Mamacita Vida

Recoiling in My "Coop"

2009-04-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

What coop you say? My chicken coop, for I am a big chicken (yeah, so uber creative). Barf.

I have this big label across my life that screams to everyone "this lady is really insecure & full of fear" and here is her list why (are they fictiously created in my crazy obessessive brain?). I am so stinkin' fearful of all the "what ifs" in my life that I am paralized from living a more adventurous life & authentically who I am underneath it all.

What if so-and-so doesn't accept me? What if I like women (and occassionally men too)? What will others say (weither they be the gay or hetro communities)? And still concerned about my parents not accepting me (um, I see them every 1 to 3 yrs...not daily, it can't be that bad!).

So far, the whole coming out process (when I actually am not hiding behind a large coat in my closet) has been mellow. I told my biological Mom and she was like, "Are you kidding, why would I ever not accept you for who you are? And by the way, my step sister is gay". Okay, that was easy. My soon-to-be un-hubby has always known, that hasn't been his bug-a-boo in our break up so much as a whole 'nother can o' worms (won't go there, not now anyway).

Fear sucks. It doesn't just suck, it sucks the life right out of you. It sucks the wind from your sails. It sucks the health from your body. It sucks your spirit and soul right from the core of your being. What happened to that product line that talked about Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway? I LOVED that line, but still hid behind the logo. Do we all do this or is it just me hiding behind some mega-fear? I suppose it is all relative (whatever the hell that means), I mean...hey, I am pretty "out" there on Facebook, my Blog (WHEN I blog) I am getting into my "out" groove. I could be a total closet case.

Did I mention I miss my therapist? Can't afford to go currently. She really talked about how bad fear is, reminded me that all we have is now, what we fear is not what we fear...it is the UNknown that we fear. For control-freak-aholics such as myself, the unknown is scary.

Well, I did blog. I got some more fear on the table, which deflates it a little more at least. I still have this nagging little voice on my should whispering into my ear something about telling too much...but who really cares? I am never going to be president, I plan on running my own businesses and not working for some corporation that will fire me because my blog is too "revealing". I think it is a little beast called fear that that is doing the whispering.

Take me or leave me...almost.

2009-03-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

I am an all or nothing blogger, or really, that applies to most everything in my life. I give it my all or not at all. Lately, as much as I have been wanting to blog, I haven't figured out how to track my process and progress. When I say figure it out, it is the same conundrum as when I started blogging oh-so long ago (lol, yeah, okay, a year ago maybe?). Share all, half or just the surface. I still struggle with who is reading this, why I want to share any/all of my life with strangers, what is blogging really about and its purpose, and really the bottom line is...is my family or others reading this that I would really rather didn't? Do I bare all to the 80% of friends, family & strangers who may gleen some wisdom from my life and experiences to risk the 20% of family I would rather keep out of my business? I think once I sort that out, I will be free to be me and who I am. FREE I tell you...with all abandonment (but not lacking sound right of mind and tact in what I right...or attempt at tact, lol).

It just came to me though. In this internet world of permance, and a short and fleeting real time life; what I share is me, my thoughts, my actions and if I am being ME, the kind and genuine ME, what does it matter? Does it matter what my family thinks? REALLY? I am who I am and have shortchanged who I am in fear of unknown reprecusions and admonishments my whole life. Isn't that why I am climbing this current mountain, the quest for true wholeness in my life, true authentic ME-ness. If two, or 4 or 10 family members are upset, WHY why why should that hold me back? Are they gonna knock on my door and ground me? Are they going to verbally repremand me on the phone? Will they disown me? It's not like I haven't been through that before, got it down, been there & done that. What are my options? Considering all that I have gone through emotionally in the past 6 months, what significance do they have on my emotional state anymore? I have fear of rejection and hurtful words. That is it. Oh, and one more thing, I am just almost to the point where I won't second guess or doubt myself anymore. Once I get that firm within myself, I won't care. I can love them, and they can or can't love me, they can take me or leave me, but if they do love me they can take me and love me and respect me.

And I can still respect ME.

The Mountain Climber

2008-12-29T12:05:00.000-08:00

A woman packs her backpack carefully with all the supplies she needs, for she is going on a hike like never before, and hopefully never again. In her pack she makes sure to have all the supplies she needs to pull her through this very uncharted territory; things like her favorite spiritual books, a few beloved necklaces and rings, some of her favorite dragonfly pins & medallions. These all give her the energy to keep on going when she doesn't want to by just touching them, stopping all thoughts for a mere second or so, remembering the reason why she is on this journey and what she hopes to achieve. The most beloved treasure is on her wrist inscribed in a thick ink, her Serenity Prayer. Life means nothing without that, that prose that reminds her of getting through "another day, another day", taking one day at a time, just one more day she can do.

Once she has her pack ready, she puts it on her back and starts her walk, for the journey has begun that moment, the mountain is in front of her right then and there, it is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

She stops and really takes in this mountain. IS this really necessary? Is it that important to climb it? Questions pop in her head like little mosquitoes trying to distract her from trying, from remembering, overwhelming her at the same time. They are trying to justify why her life is fine, why life will be just fine if she would stay with the plan she had already made 12 1/2 years ago. No need to climb this and ruin things for herself, or for the others who depend on her for normalcy and the perceived "great life" that people seem to think she has. She bats at the mosquitoes and regains some focus as to why she MUST climb this mountain. It not just for her, but for the others who are counting on her in life, and something about being "real, true, authentic and genuine" in life and an example to her children about living one life and being who you really are.

Refocusing on the mountain, she takes in all the details she can see from her starting point. At the mountain's bottom is a bridge that crosses over a cold and unforgiving river that flows fast and angry. She is relieved that she can cross that river with much ease due to the strong wooden bridge, not having to expend much energy on crossing it's raging waters, using up much of her energy on the beginning of her journey. She then sees the bottom of the mountain and it starts with a long slope and slippery from so many unstable little pebbles; then it gets rockier and she knows she must jump from rock to rock because of the wide gaps between them, but also knowing she must only jump to the rocks with firmly planted bases otherwise fall with them into the river. Up past the rocks with gaps are the steep and rocky sides she will have to climb, free climb, to get to the top. Then comes the fog and the unknown terrain past that, taking full force of her faith in herself and faith in using her resources well, and a little prayer wouldn't hurt too!

Upon reaching the top, she knows the journey isn't over, a new one has begun. But she knows that if she can climb this mountain, there is no harder one out there and they can be journeyed with the experience and support from climbing this Mt. Monster.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer and haven't taken any courses. Please forgive the grammatical & other faux pas I may have made. This analogy on my life came to me this morning.

I have made it known to some that I am forging a new path in life, sometimes with much excitement, mostly with much reluctance, trepidation, and sadness at this point. My life hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard. Depression is a dark evil that is a hard battle to win, on top of that adding addicting personality traits (depression, obsession, compulsions, anxiety, rage, mood swings from hell & old substances of the past) you would wonder how I survived this long, why anyone would WANT to be close to me (I have lost a lot of friends) and why I am not choosing medication (psychotic mood swings from meds is way worse in my experience, think "acid trip", NO JOKE).

Wherever this new path leads, I am still me, only better & more open with who I really am under this heterosexual veil. I hope that by lifting the veil...I can be free, happy and the depression monster will fade away. I have heard this to be true for others who "Come Out".

I love my family (Mark & our boys), more than my life. But if I choose to love them and not me, I have nothing to give, and see my life's end all to soon. It is in releasing me of my bonds that I think life will become really beautiful.

As with my favorite insect, the Dragonfly, the pupa stage can be up to 7 years under the water...being the top predator insect in all waters and surviving on whatever it can chomp on. My pupa state is over and I am ready to fly, to become the beautiful Dragonfly I am (let's forget about the part they only live about 6 months out of the water though. ;0)

Halloween 2003!

2008-10-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that this was 5 years ago!!! In the life of a child it goes on forever...but as an adult it passes all too quickly.

I was 31, Mark was 32, Morgan 6, Jordan 3, Hayden 10 months.

Moving!

2008-10-07T15:03:00.001-07:00

As if life hasn't been hectic enough, ups and downs with certain relationships in my life, I felt the need to uproot our family...again. Thank goodness I was able to keep us this rooted for 2 1/2 yrs this time! Almost a record (longest place we ever lived was our Wilder Dr. address in Soquel, CA for 3 yrs and 4 months!).

We aren't moving far, just about a mile or so away, still in Keizer, but over by Whiteaker & Gubser schools. You wouldn't believe the amount of due diligence I put into this move! The deciding-factor score was: Stay- 12 pros/11 cons; Move- 27 pros/7 cons. There ya go...even if it is WAY more expensive. Let me highlight some of the top winners to move:

*5 bedrooms (we are in a 2 bedrm).
*2 full bathrooms (we are in a 1!!!).
*a kitchen that will allow my kitchen creativity to reign (um, hopefully?).
*a city park surrounded by really cool houses full of family centered people.
*Option to lease-own.
*Dog in our future, at least it will be MY choice if we get one or not.
*a laundry room with a mud room sink in it!

So, probably another blog sabbatical, gonna be a lot of work to pack it all, clean the new place, move everything over there, clean this place, and unpack everything (we have a lot!!!). All the while cleaning houses, carooling, shuttling my own kids, daily stuff like laundry, meals, errands, bills & trying to manage an increasing outflow (due to higher rent), and get to the gym.

I am also trying to learn about office cleaning and getting some clients and starting a housecleaning business.

Did I mention I am 176 lbs now (speaking of the gym...had to slide this in there!)? I started at about 192 at the beginning of the summer. Apparantly I aggravated my stupid Heel Bone Spur an am dealing with some health issues that are flaring up again (going for Lupus test this time). BUT, have to say that in all the years of dealing with depression, weight and such, exercise really is the answer!

Anyway, you'll find me behind my green clipboard, list of move to dos in hand, with my basket of rainbow pens, labels & packing tape! That is, if you can find the house behind all the boxes on the porch!

2008-09-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

Baby's have such a way of making you look old and wrinkly! They are so fresh & cute! This is Logan at 22 months (he is 2 now!).

Life

2008-09-03T15:03:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has been a month and a half since I have blogged! I am still trying to figure out what this all means. It isn't a personal journal, I mean, I can't spill all my beans on here! And it isn't a way to connect with others all that well. For me is a bit of a sanitized journal...me, but the slightly edited me. No, I am not some psychotic Mama typing away, I just know that family can come across this accidentally and then interrogate the heck out of me for what I choose to do with my life (although I have to say I make good choices MOST of the time, hehe). Yes, I am 35, almost 36, but still, who wants grief from family???

Life has been...interesting. Going through some...stuff. I think my absence from blogging is because I haven't figured out how to be open/honest with myself on so many levels and when you have emotional blockage, well, nothing flows well. Constipation of the emotions.

I recently (today actually) hit 179 lbs!!! HURRAY! I have been working out so much, eating smaller portions and not snacking, less fast food, trying to not eat after 7 or 8 (less late dinners!), having a meal shake for breakfast instead of coffee with 900 calories of creamer!!! Stuff like that. I am READY to lose the weight, and that is the biggest factor. You can't (or won't) if you aren't ready.

My first 10 lb reward was to re-pierce my tongue. Okaaayyyy, that I know may sound more like torture (and have to say, the healing was much harder this time and think I may have lost 3 lbs from not being able to eat, haha). For me, it was being more ME than I have been in a long time. Something I have been "toning down" for the sake of Motherhood. You can only mellow out so much before you realize you aren't being much of you anymore, and you want the kids to know who you really are, that you aren't bland or boring, that you have interests too.

That is it for today. I will try to post again soon! Maybe even to spill the beans, maybe.

Vaccines- Research, Research and MORE Research!

2008-07-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

For 12 years now, more or less, I have been reading magazine articles and books, searching the internet for hours upon hours, talking to Doctors in Medicine, Natropaths, Midwives & Doulas, Chiropractors, friends, family, strangers, attending talks and a seminar here and there, and more...all to get a more informed decision made on Immunizations, Vaccinations, Innoculations, Homeopathic Immunizations and every other alternative I could find. This has not been easy, and if I had a better retention on what I have learned, I could write my own book on the matter.

Here is a little bit of info on Dr. Sears The Vaccine Book: It was very informative and more balanced than I have read in a book form (albeit still very pro-vaccine). Each disease & vaccine was discussed in length, along with how the vaccine is made and what is in the injection upon use. He was admittingly uneasy with the lack of better tracking of vaccines and their effects on infants/children/adults over a longer time span, and he was also uneasy with who was paying for certain "studies" in his reference section. Aluminun has a fairly lengthy discussion in the book, as it is very toxic in humans with not enough studies on this heavy metal. Dr. Sears listed 3 seperate vaccine schedules for infants/children that I thought were intersting.

~AAP 2007 Schedule

~Selective Vaccination Schedule- Only the most important vaccines that he feels are non-negotiable and have the smallest side effects.

~Alternative Vaccination Schedule- All the diseases, but spread out over longer periods of time with more shots & Dr. visits, to lessen the effects of each disease on the body and to limit aluminun exposure.

I am personally keen on the Selective Schedule at this point, but since I am starting another book on the subject, I will withhold my liking to it for now. The next book is promoted by Peggy O'Mara from Mothering Magazine and likes it for the lack of "hype" behind it, a balanced bridge between both worlds.

We have only done homeopathic immunizations in pillule form, for Morgan mostly as a toddler that is, and it worked like a charm for Chicken Pox. With that in mind, I am not sure if we even need to do most of those shots anyway since we have the diseases in a kit form and can give at anytime someone is exposed to a disease or shows symptoms.

When my oldest, Morgan, was 3 and we were a part of a cooperative preschool in Oregon City, Chicken Pox was going around and one day he had 15 C.Pox on his right shoulder. He had been getting the homeopathics from time to time as a routine schedule administered by mouth and by me at home. The preschool wanted him to stay home for a full 2 weeks or until the pox were gone. No fever, no lethargy, nothing, just pox. A month later, he got them again, but about 15 of them on the left shoulder this time. Once again, no co-op for us until they were gone, and again, no fevers, no sickness, just pox. After they scabbed (they were tiny and mild), we went and got what I think is called a titer test, and the labs checked his antibodies for C.Pox. The tests showed he had the antibodies, and so the "homeopathic experiment" was successful! They worked! They allowed him to get the disease in the mildest of forms, one that allows his body to create some strong antibodies without all the junk in shots.

So why am I obsessed with vaccinations still then if homeopathics worked so well? Well, every winter I panic when Pertusis season comes around, researching homeopathics and vitamin therapies for good ole Whooping Cough, just in case. I have a file of all the info on this should it hit our house due to not vaccinating. We ironically have used almost our whole vial of Pertussis because I dole it out to all the kids when a "funny cough" is present. I guess getting titers for all of them would be better at this point, fear is no fun and hard to manage a household of children with fear of illness in mind. Fear surrounding diseases abound on the internet though. If you look up a rash or disease, you get stories or pictures of the WORST case scenarios, hard to make a rational and informed decision based on all of that hype! Fear sells though.

The other reason, we will all be vaccinated at some point, we want to travel to the jungles of Costa Rica, Australian Outback, visit Brazil, Mexico and part of India. Japan and China would be fun to see too. With travel in mind, vaccines are inevitable for our whole family, but learning everything about them and how to boost our immune systems A LOT with vitamins, minerals, herbs and homeopathics...side effects from the vaccines are much slimmer.

We are bacially running on "herd immunity" at this point, getting by because so many around us are vaccinated, giving my kids a "get out of shots free" ticket. The moral issue is personal choice/freedom to choose what is best on an individual level, or a more herd-like approach that protects the nation/world as a whole? I am uneasy with the last one because I don't feel that long term studies have been done on what type of disease come from the vaccines themselves...eczema, arthritis, diabetes, cancers...and on and on, LATER in life. In reading the history of vaccinations (which the word derives from the Latin world Vacca, which means Cow...which is how people were treating small-pox,originally from cow-pox scabs), no one has ever gotten it right for too long and without MUCH cost to humans. No long term studies/trials or even TRACKING what happens. Then there is the whole no daycare/and breastfeed for 3ish years that protects the heck out of the kids from even needing most of the shots because they outgrow the need for protection.

I could go on, but it is sunny out and the kids are needing me. So research stops for now, and life goes on, because that is why I do this, for my kids.

I am no expert, but try really hard to learn everything I can for MY family. I can give info I have learned, but don't want others to take my advice on what they *should* with their own children. I don't want the responsibility of their outcomes, that is for them to be responsible for. My strong advice...research, research and more research!!!

Paintball Frenzy

2008-06-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my oldest's 11th Birthday, and it was a lot of fun for a whole herd of boys (husband and Uncle Nate included)! Amazing how fun it is to watch them running around shooting eachother in a large dirty & stinky room, covered with goop, feeling the pain, running for their lives. I was just glad it wasn't me, at least not at this point in my life. I keep saying "when I lose weight, when I get in shape, it will be so much fun!". Hmmm, when is WHEN? I have to be ready to lose the weight, and sometimes feel I am SO ready, but then I will eat birthday cake & ice cream for breakfast. But back to his bday...

I just can't believe we are 2 yrs from the teen years, 5 years from him driving, and 7 years from him being an adult. It didn't always fly by, these kid years, but lately, with raising 4 boys...it just seems to go to fast. Even with homeschooling and him being under wing more than not, he is just growing up into a little man of his own beliefs and opinions, so proud overall of the choices he makes in life, what he values (although he *could* be a lot nicer to his younger brothers, and is awesome with our toddler). My first baby, he is totally the guinea pig...we are learning how to raise kids and he is the first on so many levels. Of course I went into the memories of his birth and how amazing it was, what it did as far as changing my life in the best of ways.

He wants to do paintball every year, so I am thinkin that this birthday cake should just be eaten today and then on to the gym for workouts...next year I can go out there and join the herd! It would be a sad future me to have to look back at the photos of raising my kids and hating every picture because I am so out of shape, heavy & not as healthy (by far) as I could be! Morgan loves eating healthy and is so fit, he encourages everyone in our family to do the same. So hard, but what an example to him if I was able to do it, how strong would he be as an adult to see his parents pull themselves up by their bootstraps and "get r done".

We really only get one chance with these kids of ours. We make mistakes, say things we regret, have some god-awful days where we just want to crawl into bed and not come out until the next day, and then they go to sleep at night. We look upon them and at their beautiful faces as they dream, and cry for what we have done wrong, and cry how forgiving and resilient they really are, how much "bigger" and wiser they are than adults at time. We know we start fresh the next day, and if we mess up, start fresh the next hour. This is really an experiement of the greatest kind.

There is a great quote by Jackie Kennedy Onassis, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well in life, matters very much."

It's Summer in Oregon Finally!

2008-06-24T13:20:00.001-07:00

We are finally seeing some sun here in the rainy state, finally! Every year I have ever lived here (3 1/2 + 3 = 6 years), around this time in June people are always itching for the sun. Why, why I ever think it will be sunnier sooner is maybe that little bug in the human race (or gem depending on the context of the situation)...faith. Faith that, yes, we will see the sun again; faith that it is sunny SOMEWHERE, and, yes, it will be sunny here again too; faith that unless we are upon another ice age (which is entirely possible if you read anything prophetic or Mayan), yes, we will have sun, warmth and the flowers will bloom.

I am perplexed by the farmers up here. HOW do they make a living when the weather is eternally unpredictable? Short growing seasons, cold, freezing rain, late spring freezes, the possibility that the sun may only show for 3 months (instead of 4, har har). I am personally behind my own gardening season, even if we are "growing season-wise" behind by two weeks. I just haven't managed to pull all the weeds that are growing in the boxes. Every time I get out there, I end up cursing at the 5 damn, er, 5 wonderful little beasts that love to poop in my freshly weeded garden, deterring me from weeding anymore. Did I mention I have cats, and ones that hate litter boxes at that? (That is a WHOLE 'nother blog altogether) We bought 25 strawberry plants last year, and this year have 4x that many! We are lovin' the strawberry love. A few herbs made it through the winter and have spread massively in the herb garden too, amazing their resilience when it actually snowed a few times this past winter/spring!

We may even get some really great heat later this week (about the time we are going to be in a warehouse playing paintball for Morgan's 11th Bday, and then the next day in a gymnastics center for a sleepover, but I am NOT complaining, really). I love hot, I could live in Tuscan and just be content with the heat, but then I don't work outside the house and can hang in shorts & flip flops (used to call them thongs...not no more, uh-uh!).

Anyway, my blog is falling to pieces as I am losing focus. The 71ish degree weather is urging me to get things done in the sun! (like cleaning the pool, but again, NOT complaining, hehe).

Too Tired!

2008-06-10T15:05:00.001-07:00

I have been finding myself very unmotivated and tired these days. You should see my house, it is so below my standards. I hear the sun is just around the corner, in the 80s this weekend even!!! Since I have a sleeping baby on my shoulder, kids in front of the tube, I am heading off to a beckoning, comfy bed...calling to me to sleep, sleep....

On another note...if anyone wants to have more incentive to avoid factory farms, here is a great site I checked out today. www.chickenindustry.com Watch the clips, and if that doesn't convince you, you may just want to check and see if you haven't sold your soul to the evil factory farming demons yet. (um, kidding, for those of you who aren't familiar with the small humorous side of me).

2008-06-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Baby Jasmine 1 Day Old on MamaT's tummy.

Jordan holding Baby Jasmine, MamaK helping prop her head up. BabyJ is making a peace sign! She is 3 days old here.

Jasmine Alaska's Arrival

2008-06-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Jasmine Alaska was born at 5:41pm on May 27th, 2008 after about 89 hours of labor. She was 7 lbs 6.2 ounces, 20 1/4 inches long. She's nursing great now, sleeping often and makes the cutest little squeaks!

MamaT went into labor on Friday night, headed to the Andaluz Water Birth Center for a few days of low intensity labor (went from 5 cm to 8 then BACK to 5 again!!!). It seemed as if BabyJ's little arm was pulled tightly next to her head, causing there to not be enough pressure on the cervix and allowing it to dilate. After much exhaustion, MamaT then transfered to OHSU in a Midwife's car. The OHSU Doctors' felt that there was no emergency (as there would've been at 99.9% of any other hospital out there) and so the OHSU Midwives and the Andaluz Midwives sort of teamed up and guided her through through it all.

MamaT got set up, got an epidural to relax her, pitocin to try to get the waning contractions to get moving and antibiotics since she is Strep B +, her water had broken days before AND there was meconium in the waters. Finally, she rested (and she slept hours).

After almost 24 hours at OHSU, the Midwives checked and she was finally 9 1/2 cm dilated! The baby's heart kept dropping and so the Dr's checked every once in a while to make sure baby & Mama were doing well. After a couple hours of pushing, the baby's heart dropped to 60 beats per minute and would go down and then up dramatically. The placenta was not filling up with oxygen quick enough apparantely. The Drs were about 15 min from an emergency C/S and so MamaT signed the waiver to have one in case, which brought enough stress for her to push that baby out! Pushing lasted a total of 2 hours and 41 minutes!

She is the first grand-daughter in this family and has four older boy cousins!

And yes, I got to be a part of it all and saw her born! Nothing sweeter than a freshly born baby in this world.

Grey Clouds Away!

2008-06-06T15:02:00.000-07:00

The grey, cold, clouds and rain are really, REALLY getting to me. I have to say, January through mid to late June are the hardest on me. It's like a really, really, really, really long obnoxious train the just never seems to end, going on for like, EVER. I am a very emotional being, and I am a solar powered California girl (although grew up in the Great NW from 4 yrs to 11 yrs). I like my sun. Actually, I really prefer Santa Barbara over Santa Cruz weather- with the average temp there being 65ish and foggy mornings and evenings in the summer, it was just too cold for me there. When I lived in Phoenix, AZ, I thrived on the hot, dry desert weather. I rode my bike 5 miles a day (to and from work) and it was around 112. Call my crazy, but 85 is just p-e-r-f-e-c-t. Actually, if I am near a body of water to swim in, give me 100, that is dreamy cozy comfy happy.

But, back to reality. I am in beautiful, lush green Oregon, (the birth place of water really) rain, clouds and anything soggy. Will I ever get used to the weather? Hmmm, well, I talk to many folks who after 20 years (or life long Oregonians even) never do. Rain culture it is called up in PDX.

Yeah, I am a beach bum. Tucson has a beach, right? What we DO give up to be near extended family. Do they appreciate what we give up to live near them? And really, does it matter if they do or not, because in the end it is about where you want to be and raise your kids, with or without the vermin's, er, uh, family. There are so many things to weigh out when contemplating a move (which I wasn't contemplating a move until I delved a little too deep into the crappy weather feelings I am having lately), kids, jobs, friends, family, homeschooling, parental rights, community, etc.

So, back to what I was complaining about...when IS the sun going to really return?

Obessessed With Baby Brain Part 2

2008-05-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. I haven't been at the computer as much these days, spring cleaning has grabbed me and won't let go. I just won't stop until the whole house is better than caught up, close to goddessliness! I am an emotional cleaner and well, I have been working through a lot of emotional stuff these days (these days? try everyday for like, ever!). I would say the biggest to date is the fact that- Yes, I still want another baby; Yes, I am done having babies since M is fixed; and Yes, I still feel this surge in my hormones that is saying "Get pregnant! Get pregnant right now!". I have dragged my husband over the sharp jagged rocks of a lava site on this one. Just one mention of the word "baby" in a sentence that doesn't involve our own toddler/baby Logan, and he braces himself for the ranting and raving that pours from me, for hours, days really.

It really, really doesn't help that my sil is due, like, any minute. I am secretly wishing that she wants me at the birth so I may relive my own births, and watch as her baby girl floats up during birth (water birth). But, alas, we aren't that close, and well, I think frankly I scare her with my possessiveness of the word "pregnancy" and "baby", like I actually invented those. Actually, the other night I had a dream that she was holding my baby and hanging out with her Mom & Dad while I had to run errands with my other older kids. I kept calling her and telling her to nurse the baby, she (hmm, she is due with a girl) was hungry and my sil was engorged. I would come around between errands and mention that I was feeling like I was just not bonding with my baby. WELL DUH! It wasn't my baby, it was HERS. This whole dream affected my day, and then some. I have been living vicariously through her pregnancy, as much as I could anyway seeing how we don't hang out or anything. But still, eating up the experience as if to satiate my own mourning wounds. Yes, I am a bit twisted in the head, but not in a creepy way, really (no, really, hehe).

I am a full fledged analytical obsessive, when my mind gets fixated on something, I absolutely cannot let go until a resolution is made. The amazing thing with reading ANE and TPofNow is that for a while, while actively reading them anyway (took a break), I could actually table what I was direly needing to "deal with" and push aside for the bliss of the moment of Now. It was such a peaceful state to be in, knowing I could deal later, and was still okay, life was good, it was GOOD for the first time, no dramas unfolding. Thing is, I can't keep pushing this off, I just have to finalize it. Yes, I have read my own several pages long blog regarding my baby issues, many times actually. I guess what it comes down to is that I have been pregnant/nursing almost all of my adult life and just am not ready to be done (that is, until I read B's blog today, reminding myself why NOT having more is a better idea...environment, world stuff, etc.). Some women are meant to have more, and some less. Seeing me with my babies you would probably say I am such a great & attached Mama and I could have a dozen! Seeing me with my kids, some would say, "jeez, stop now lady...maybe 2 was too many!". Not really, but really when I am in depression/rage mode (hmm, which is quite often).

Speaking of which, I decided if I made a D&D character she would be called Rage, shoot arrows, having piercings and be my alter ego...the one that soaks up everything negative I am feeling. Problem is, I would be playing with my kids, so maybe not such a good idea. Jordan is now sleeping with a D&D book M gave him, under his pillow. When the door opens to his room he doesn't hold up his hand to make hand shadows on the wall anymore, he whips his book out from under his pillow to catch a few last minute glances at the weaponry of the dwarfs (because Gimly is his hero after all).

Anyway, back to my therapy here...or not. I never intended to blog in replacement for journal writing, but I have gone there, gone to the oh-so private places of my mind and behaviours, taking the private out of the journal and sticking it into the public of the blog. Still unsure if that is a good idea, hopefully I won't regret it!

I guess out there in blog world, there is another Mom, so grateful that she was able to birth her own children...whether it be 1, 2, 4 or more, or adopt her own kids even, appreciative of what she has and move on easily (or easier than I do anyway). I appreciate what I have been given, I truly do, my kids are such blessings in my life, they are my life. I love the pregnancy, birthing, nursing experiences I have had, it has truly changed my direction in life in the most amazing ways. (Yes, there's a BUT coming) But, there are some of us who have a hard time letting go, seeing that part of our lives close and moving on to the next phase in life, and talking about it really helps sort things (I am sure obsessing has no benefit though, ahem). I hope I am able to at least touch another Mama in her quest for peace in closure, because for some, we need more I guess.

Jeez, I can't wait to go through menopause, or empty nest syndrome, or, or, or...

No Creative Bones Here

2008-05-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

I love to write, love, love, love to write! I also love punctuation and think I am pretty good at it, or maybe that is just what I tell myself. My vocabulary isn't as wide ranging as I would like, but always open to learning new words and more ways to use these new words in my life. My kids have been complimented on their vocabulary, and again, I tell myself it is because of me, but it is also Mark too who is not only a walking calculator, but a dictionary & thesaurus too (and knowledgeable on anything with saurus at the end of it).

For a lady of words, I sure don't do this blog thing very well. I guess it is my LIBRA nature (said it!). I am either writing for hours and quite often, or just plain don't log in. And there is the sheer fact that, yes I love writing and think what I am writing about is interesting, I am not as creative as, say, Cheyenne, or the Eat, Pray, Love writer Elizabeth Gilbert (okay, can't figure out how to link to her site...). Even thought I am technically writing for ME and, well, myself, I know someone out in the wide world (or a few in Salem anyway) may read my blog and think "hmmm, she is so dry", or "how boring...why doesn't she journal in private!". Writing for me knowing someone else is, or may, read it does change its presentation, even if just a bit.

I haven't a creative bone in my body. I have been so obsessivly organized my whole life, from the time I was just a year old and sorting the crayons and fruits by color. I assess that to the fact that as a baby through my preschool years, my life was in utter chaos living with my biological parents, and that is how I personally had control over my life...objects, organizing, cleaning...a zen-like approach to my own messed up little world. Creativity is me organizing the play dough shelf, or washing and refilling the bubble containers...or (gasp!) planning out on a sketch pad how I want my veggie boxes to look with what veggies & herbs growing where. I guess I am so in the box (creativly speaking) that I am like one of those stacking boxes that you keep opening until there is a teeny tiny little box and in that last box, that is me in there...a really scared little person/spirit hiding behind all the control of her life.

I have to mention the Power of Now and A New Earth. I have read half ANE, and have put it down to read PoN for now...not sure why, maybe because one was written before the other and that is the orderly thing to do? Also, I am good at reading half a book and then starting something else!

Anyway, these books (and Eat, Pray, Love) are changing my life as I never thought possible. I am such a work in progress...soooooooo messed up in the head that I am happy to find something that just may clear the fog and rewire my synapses (or is that snyapsees being the plural form?).

Well, no great ending to this blog...but I came, I blogged, I wrote!

Baby Brain

2008-04-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am working on some things left unfinished in my mind, rattling around, just wishing I would get things figured out finally! These active thoughts need to be put to rest, resolved preferably, once and for all. What thoughts I am referring to- to baby or not to baby, that is the question. A baby, my last baby, my future last baby, or fostering and adopting a baby, or just fostering, or adopting, or two babies. That is what I am talking about, and so far no complete and final thought on it, still. I usually come to some temporary conclusion that satiates my souls quest to be complete.

I have thought, talked, written and worked on this issue for, well, Logan's WHOLE pregnancy (when I swore I was SO DONE...it didn't help I had gallstones to rival a bag of marbles, the worst sciatica in BOTH hips...think fat pregnant lady with a cane, and the worst depression during/post-pregnancy I personally have ever experienced, EVER).

Then a week after his birth, I panicked! This just can't be my last baby, this just can't be! (my how the mind forgets about pushing for 2 hours, in awful howling pain). Mark had scheduled his vasectomy for Friday, October 13th, what a sense of humor he had, and for the next 7 weeks I stressed out on how we were about to actually be done making babies, so permanent, so invasive...SO violent.

We enjoyed every second of Logan's newborn-ness with so much gusto! Our last baby, but so much more, knowing very well there wouldn't be any accidents, he was the last. I had a great picture of Mark sedated on "the table", minutes before "the cut", however my phone camera died a few weeks later...not only losing that, but all the newborn pictures of Logan (like I needed MORE salt on my wound!). He tested twice, but no, no swimmers in there (geez, hurray). That was it! So, another few weeks of mourning, talking, discussing to no end, and I finally came to peace with it all (or so I thought...), I was done (in a very Zen-Buddhist-like fashion of submitting to the uncontrollable). I was done (OM).

Fast fwd to now, Mark's sister is pregnant, due in 28ish days actually, and I am JUST now going through 15 bins of pregnancy/baby/kid stuff, seeing what I want to give to her. I am going to sell a ton on eBay (hey, if I only got a buck for everything I have, I would make just over $1k...enough to pay for my recent MRI! Um, or put in our Disneyland fund?). I picked up a baby gown...light blue with little brown bears, elastic on the bottom, a Carter's...and I cuddled it. I put it down and just headed for the most remote place in the house, and just sat. Logan of course toddled in throwing dollar tree golf balls (which are like mini-wiffle balls) and making cute little toddler sounds, and I just hugged him, loved him and kissed him. I love him, I love my kids, and I love babies.

At that moment, I realized I NEEDED to finish this thought process that literally hijacks my brain every so often, stealing my best from my family due to over-obsession and over-analyzing (it takes HOURS, upon hours for me to go through this every time). I NEED to come to resolution, need to finalize this and move on with life. It had to be somewhere I could come back to in moments of "weakness" (like right after my Sils baby girl is born, when I want to just gobble her baby up and kiss her belly, and smell the wonderful baby smell. I love the smell of their heads, Mama milk on their breath, and yes, even the sweet & sour smell of breastmilk poop! (you know it doesn't stink, at least not next to their formula counterparts!).

So, back to ME and my issue at hand...

I feel like there are some paths I really need to re-analyze here...

1) Lose weight, get healthy and try to have one more baby (through medical miracles).

2) Pick out a few items/clothes for my Sil, save the rest of the baby stuff and put them back into their dozens of bins and back into the shed- to deal with later (maybe less inclined to have a baby then?).

3) Look into Fostering in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my foster kids).

4) Look into adopting in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my adoptive baby...boy? girl?).

5) Move on with life- getting myself balanced mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually/ & physically; getting my family's life more organized/routine/structured making homeschooling and the rest of life flow smoother; figuring out how to make some money while staying home with the kids without missing out or giving up being with them while they are small/young.

Before I can make a decision though, I have to analyze why I want another baby? Babies are so delicious and enriching to a family, and they also bring total chaos and upheaval to the family unit. Nursing, diaper changes, being worn from birth, tired, and then having 4 other kids to take care of can really tax a person. My depression gets so incredibly bad until they are about 18 months, I am really just getting out of the fog of the last baby, and my health is really JUST recovering.

Some women feel complete (like I did while pregnant with #4...complete) and still feel the "I would love to have another baby" forever. Though some women feel gleeful that they are done and have no baby fever ever again. I had one time in my life where I was around a baby at a Mom's night out with some other cooperative preschool Mom's, and didn't have a twinge of baby fever! This Mom's baby was tired, didn't want to be there, she was a bit overwhelmed, and I was a Mom of 3 who was happy to not have anyone with me at that moment, even a baby! How weird that was, although kinda liberating. We were living in a 2 bedroom townhouse in Ca, and cramped as heck, and I think our home environment contributed to the feeling of being baby fever free! Worms stop populating when they are overcrowded, I think that is what happened to me. The moment we moved into a large double wide up here in Oregon, I got pregnant almost immediately! (we purposely tried of course, but still, we actually wanted another baby again!).

There are other factors, I have 4 kids- how would they feel, deal with my time being directed at another little one, how would I spend time with each of them individually, quality time? And my hubby, how does he feel? He feels DONE, like "hallelujah" done. He loves his boys, but he feels "old" and tired and well, ready to move on to just plain ole' bein' a dad, ready to regain some of the "baby years" energy and redirect it to his own health. He loves our toddler too, gets mushy over babies in stores, and yet, feels so complete, so happy to have his reproductive army quelled.

So, all this over my desires to have just one more, when we are done, fini. Here are my solutions (Libra style, thank you very much!)...

1) Lose weight, get healthy and try to have one more baby (through medical miracles). It will take me a year to lose weight & get my health up to par to even get pregnant. It will also take a starting cost of $3,600 to try to get hubby's V-sect reversed, at which there is no guarantee. Then we will need another $1,500 for a homebirth. That would put me at 36.5 for maybe getting pregnant, almost 38 for having a last baby, my youngest being almost 4 and my oldest would be 13. I would be about 60 when the last one may move out. Health/finances aren't there at this point, and hubby wouldn't go for it. IF he didn't already get fixed, he still may not go for it. He wants time for US at some point, not that I don't. Man, life is too short!

2) Pick out a few items/clothes for my Sil, save the rest of the baby stuff and put them back into their dozens of bins and back into the shed- to deal with later (maybe less inclined to have a baby then?). Okay, so no baby in my future, I can pick out a bunch of 0-12 month clothes and be okay with it now. Amazing!

3) Look into Fostering in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my foster kids).
4) Look into adopting in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my adoptive baby...boy? girl?).
I will answer these together. I would like to spend the next year of my life "getting it together" and back on track. At that point, I would like to start the process of fostering and/or adopting a toddler or preschooler. Boy/Girl? Not sure, but really won't focus on that until closer to the time. I just don't know if I want to remain a boy only household or go for the girl!

5) Move on with life- getting myself balanced mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually/ & physically; getting my family's life more organized/routine/structured making homeschooling and the rest of our life flow smoother; figuring out how to make some money while staying home with the kids without missing out or giving up being with them while they are small/young. I will work on this for the next year of my life and then reassess foster/adoption.

So- to sum it all up, my questions/feelings were answered & validated. I have been writing, thinking and even had a couple of discussions with my hubby. Ironically, Malcolm in the Middle came on during one of our discussions...and it was the "scare" pregnancy episode, they thought Lois was pregnant w/ an unexpected #5! (nope, not this time!), what perfect timing for more analyzing.

I guess I will always long for a belly to rub, a new baby to nurse, a bundle to sling/Bjorn, a roller, a crawler, a toddler, the smells and gurgles. I guess that is what Grandparenting is for...the joys of babyhood!

Hubby & I are a partnership and half of us are very satisfied, and the other half, well, she just may never be satisfied even after "one more". The next year will be my time to just grow better and be (and enjoy the heck out of my toddler & kids!). If I am meant to have "just one more" in the foster/adopt sense, that process will happen in time.

Life

2008-03-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have been mainly blogging on my other blogs these days. I have taken my health blog http://mamakendras-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/ to a new level, since I feel that this is something quite serious. It is a journey I am working through on so many levels- too many really, but in the end it is all up to me and how I think & handle it, in order to "put off the end". Life has a cruddy irony sometimes, sometimes I think it is really personally attacking me, but it is just a joke (from life itself!).

I am making some new choices, what I put in my body, what I do w/ my body, how I relate to Mark & the kids, how close I get to others around me, what is important materially.

I need to live like I only have one day to live with my family, but plan for the future like I am going to live to be 95 (because I AM going to live to be 95+!!!).

Pocket Mod!!!!

2008-03-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

I just got my recent Family Fun magazine in the mail yesterday, and in it there is an article on 10 secrets of organized families. There are some great tips (and I LOVE tips, just about as much as I love organization!). Here is one that is too cool to keep to myself!

http://www.pocketmod.com/

My "New" Toy

2008-03-26T10:47:00.001-07:00

Actually, I have had this since 2005, when Mark's Aunt Leah was clearing her "estate" (ie: giving everything to me). I didn't use it until the other day, and am now smacking myself upside the head and wishing for all these years I would have been though! It makes the best, tastiest, more flavorful coffee I have ever had in my life. I actually like the taste of it, and find the creamer to be a bit overkill now. Thank you Starbuck's for explaining to me on the phone how to do it!

Okay, for those of you wondering, yes, I have fallen off the coffee wagon. I am however, getting back on it tomorrow since I won't be able to drink any and then will only be able to in slight moderation depending on the outcome of my liver biopsy...in more detail on My Journey TO Health blog.

TAGS!

2008-03-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, my tags are getting out of hand down there at the bottom of my blog. HOW does one TAG effectively??? This is crazy!

Mom Pals & Kids Growin' Up

2008-03-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

I once saw this Law & Order episode where at the end the show this lady had passed (or maybe it was a guy...most likely murdered...obviously neither impacted me like the point I am about to get to...), so this person passed and the cops were wondering (okay, now I think it may have been Crossing Jordan...and it was the forensics team wondering...anyway!) where this person's friends were since not one person showed up to the funeral.

This person had hundreds of friends, dozens of really close ones...but ALL ONLINE!

So, point is, I have a bunch of friends, most I rarely see even once a year, some just once a year, others just a few times a month, that just seems so, odd. I guess if I was raising kids 25 years ago I would either A) not have any friends at all; B) get out of the house during the day more and meet some; or C) actually have a life since I wouldn't be sittin' at the friggin' computer on and off all day. (okay, exaggeration, but feels like it!).

I guess friends take effort, and after pseudo-homeschooling, half-ass cleaning the house and all the other roles home manager entail...I just "get by" with the least amount of effort. So on that note, I am going to make sure to actually talk to a friend on the phone. Oh wait, I called Sam this week already! (whew, off the hook!).

But really, I miss the good ol' days of my "Coffee Klatch" (as Rachel K. used to say), we all were in the midst of having babies, nursing and had toddlers running around. We lived in the Silverton/Woodburn/Keizer/Salem areas...and EVERY Friday, someone would make the coffee, make a nice munchable for the parents and kids, and offer up their home. Start off clean and after 2+ hours everyone would clean up and whoosh, time to go home and make lunch and get the toddlers to nap. Fulfilling conversation, face to face, seeing that my kids (oops, only one at that point!) WAS normal.

There were 6 of us at first (and 10 kids...and then 5 more babies to follow from these 6 Mamas), and then we had 3-5 more Mama's that would come sometimes, and sometimes not, making over 16 kids at times. Crazy, but fun!

There is something I really miss about having a preschooler, a toddler & a baby all at the same time- the portability of them in the "Mom-realm", being able to go Indoor Park because it was 5 & under, or take them all to a cooperative preschool because two were enrolled and one was a "sibling".

Things are different now, older kids...one almost 8 and another almost 11!!! Sports rule our evenings, not snuggling in the California King sized bed (sideways even to make even more room!) and reading books until bedtime. Maybe this should be about kids growing up...not friends...somehow I manage to digress into another topic all together. Really though, they do go hand in hand...friends, Mom friends, kids, and as they get older and as your activities get more diverse, things get really too busy to just sit w/ coffee and chat with friends most of the time. I sure do miss those days!!!

The Many Blogs of Me

2008-03-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have outdone myself on this new blogging thing! I now have a blog for me, a homeschooling blog for the boys, a gratitude blog, and the newest is my health journey blog. I like to make things complicated, but it is how my brain categorizes things and sorts, works for me!

Anyway, about my new blog. I somehow thought this little health "glitch" would be short and the "all-knowing" (haha) medical establishment would have ALL the answers just from one test. Okay, now here we are, several tests later, a few surgeries, a few hundred dollars (more like over a $1k or so in the last year) and we are still guessing what the heck is going on in my body!

I have a friend, well, more of a fellow homeschooler from Santa Cruz, that has been tracking her journey with cancer of a rare form. This process has been educational to her & others who are needing to really LOOK into the whole journey of a disease/cancer, and its beginning symptoms.

I didn't think I would need to do this, I thought it would be simple. In looking back at my actual symptoms, this all started well over 8 years ago, and had I been tracking, I would've saved all this trouble of money spent, hospital stays, tests done, and now maybe cancer. 8 years is long time to have the semi-silent symptoms grow & morph into something not-so-silent anymore. If I really looked back, the symptoms started at 18 and even the tests then didn't show much. Boy, lessons can be so hard to swallow in retrospect. IF ONLY I...had, done, did, known, been, fill-in-the-blank...all water under the bridge now.

I am thrilled to have this medium to log in, on, or whatever you say. I have been wanting a website for so many years, and even the wsygig (something like that) formats were not user friendly enough for me! Someday I will get all these blogs onto a site, maybe, and each blog will be it's own link, or not.

I Think I've Done It!

2008-03-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have shaken my bout with depression currently or not, but I am feeling pretty good. We went to Bend (OR) this past weekend to attend Morgan's gymnastics State Championships, and we stayed with Mark's family (cousin). It was a quick trip, but it was so nice to be in a different place! The blue sky was just what my clouded up brain needed. Salem is so gray, dark, cold & wet. This was a breath of fresh & cold air, but bright and sunny! We could do stuff outside (and move around a lot to keep warm), and we didn't have to run from the wet, damp or rain. We almost moved to Bend in 1998 when we first moved up to Oregon (and then back to CA in 2001, and then back up here in 2005), but we chose to move to a beautiful little town of Silverton (now we are in Keizer- 40 inches of rain). Everything there was almost perfect, except for the 44 inches of rain a year! (Bend gets about 11 inches!).

Having hours of coffee induced conversation w/ my husband...talking about our constant money "situation", moving, raising kids, where we really want to settle and stay, how to buy a house with one income...or not, kids, family, friends, more on life, health, etc...it got tense, but we never argued. That alone was a huge accomplishment! Tired, cranky kids in the back, a 3 hour drive home, the stress of some of the conversation (moving, money & family), we pulled it off successfully.

I know I analyze my life A LOT, more than weekly or daily...more like bi-hourly! Trying to peg myself into some sort of clinical diagnosis to "solve" my emotional/mental state. I am settling into the whole "A New Earth" idea of my ego just running amok in my brain, and has been for some time now. I am NOT bi-polar, despite my ups & downs for the past, oh, 35 years (um, that is how old I am!), I am NOT run by my depression, well, I am, but I letting it by not exercising or taking care of me w/ good foods and thoughts. I can see this now that the clouds have cleared from my head a bit, and to act quickly will keep the demons far from my being.

So, things are looking up, life was shaken and I actually saw the light (in Bend).

Utopia in My Mind

2008-03-06T17:08:00.001-08:00

So here I am, sleepy baby sitting/leaning asleep on my chest, time to blog. I am analyzing my whole reason for blogging. I was inspired by some fellow homeschooling Mama's that I know, it seemed so fun, such a great way to log life, and is this for me, my family, my friends or all of the above?

If this is for family, to see the kids and everything they do (since I have family all over the country, and my own parents & brother's fam live across the country in MD), how much or little to say? Will I squelch who I am and be more cautious, not being as open for fear of someone "commenting" a comment? What about friends? I am not some outrageously flamboyant person in the first place, but I have been called a conservative rebel for tattooing the back of my head (where I could hide my tat OR grow my hair back), and been accused of stirring the pot, rocking the boat and being an instigator- a black sheep in my family. I have had 18 piercings all over my body at one time, dyed my hair fun colors and wore hair wraps (one that turned into a dread lock). I have been in a coven (wasn't all that exciting actually). BUT, I have been pretty darn mellow in the past several years so some would never know any of this but me as a Mama, of the crunchier type.

Ahhh, the balancing act of who I am. Ekart Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway, who my being is, well, that is who I really am. In this game of life though, who I represent, who I present myself to be, who I hang with, how I behave or treat my husband and children, it really does matter, even if it is the ego (which I am only on chapter 3 of 10). So, do I bare my demons, egos, loves, hates, and just be the raw me, or tidy it up a bit...not quite soccer mom, but crunchy stevia sweetened granola Mama.

Then there is the who I am vs who I really want to be. I am a fire spitting f-you if you're in my face and punch the wall punk from rage hell. I am that. I am the pregnant lady who got out of her car to yell at a truck driver for cutting her off in an intersection...just keeping herself from punching the guy in the face. I am the mean Mama who tells her kids to go away, says "what are you thinking?" and "leave me alone". I am the wife that pokes fun at her husband, at his expense and can be awfully mean and cruel and not bat an eye. I have a meanness and nasty side most people would be shocked if let out of it's cage (because IT is a being in my head- thus is possessive in a dual sense). I have been mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme, I have been in more physical fights than I should have been in, even more verbal fights times 100.

BUT WAIT! That isn't who I WANT to be. I don't want to blog about that, doesn't that make it okay to be that way? I cringe at Mother's who tell their kids to go away, "beat it", are mean to their spouses, who embrace the yucky side of themselves, like they let a monster out of themselves and, "well, that's me so deal with it or leave".

I have tried to be a better person my whole life, I am NOT stopping now, I will not be defeated. I want to be genuine in my efforts and in the outcome. Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind, but why the hell not??? (hmmm, maybe I should go back on Zoloft, Mark did say I was nicer, albeit spacey and even more tired!).

I guess when I figure it out, the clean named 15 minute blogger just may change its name.

A Passing of a Fellow Homeschooler

2008-03-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting lately, been feeling like I am at the bottom of a pond, looking up into the reflection of myself on the bottom of the surface (only way I know to explain it). Basically, downer than down, lamer than lame.

But yesterday, something urged me to move into action, outside of myself. Apparently, a fellow homeschooling Mama in Dallas, OR passed away from a bad cold going around. It turned into pneumonia, and her kidneys shut down, and she died. DIED. She was 37 and had a 12 yo daughter and a 7 year old son. Mother, wife, 4-H teacher, church lady, homeschooler, friend. It rocked my psyche and pull me to pull up my bootstraps and get something done for her family. I didn't do much, just contact the church, and contact the MOPS Mom meal train coordinator, and now am on the back burner for her family, all I need to do is rally up other fellow HSers at a moments notice and help.

Something like that just shakes your world, makes you look around, even while you are in a funk, and pull you out of it, even if just temporarily. I am not "cured" of my depression at all, but between that raising my awareness of something bigger than me, and reading A New Earth, I am feeling like I am getting a better grip of life's true meaning.

I am not going to get all philosophical here, but I am feeling a bit better knowing that my life ain't so bad, that I could be paralyzingly depressed, and I am not. I am functional, which means I can pull myself out with effort. That is worth living for!

Vent OUT, Not In

2008-03-02T13:59:00.001-08:00

I am. I am just. I am just having a very interesting week, or two. I am just having a very emotional life. I am just. I am.

Up, down, up and down, sometimes in a minute or an hour. Clean everything like a mad woman, then let it all fall apart. Inspired to conquer, and then crawling to the computer to get my "fix" away from it all. Happy and lovey dovey, then get the he!! out of my face angry. Delegate things, then martrydom. I just need to vent on this one.

Doom & gloom, grab a broom, push them out the door. Play, play, outside today, and let my feelings all over the floor. Love, love, love my kids, why don't I feel so good? The ups and the downs and the very sad frowns, when am I gonna give? Pushing and pulling and never stop yearning, wanting to be happy for a DAY. Emotions and ego and can I re-live NO. Never ending, can't quit the emotional spending, taxing and tearing and so overbearing. Open my eyes, the cries, the cries. Open my heart, can't I just tear it out? Wishing me thinnner, pretty and a "winner", wanting me happy, not a Mama that's crappy. Letting it flow out and please God don't go out, I need your help and please don't make me yelp. Poem is over, my life needs to...flower.

I have been bottling those feelings for sometime now. I am just cranky, tired, feel fat and frumpy and caught a glimpse of myself at church today, how sad does a woman have to look before she actually gets off her butt and does something. I have never seen an animal feel sorry for itself. Last night before getting into bed, Mark mentioned that my lovely saddlebags were very noticeable. He wasn't being mean, but didn't feel good. So I went to the mirror and what did I see, why eight thunderous reindeer...sorry, that's a different story. So I looked and before my eyes shocked the sh!$ out of me! I have saddlebags meant for a draft horse! ~sigh~ The time is nigh (okay, knigh sounding, not like neigh a horse!).

Baby is ripping plastics from the cupboard, Tremors II is almost over (our favorite B horror flick, okay, next to Bats & Eight-Legged Freaks). Gotta compose myself, or morph, into a better Mama, cuz who needs to hear how unhappy I am, AGAIN. It's really all in my mind, just too bad I got this crazy, messed up one..

Rose City Challenge Gymnastics

2008-03-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

Today I got up at 5:30ish roused my eldest up around 6:30. We headed up to Beaverton around 7:15 and we MADE it to his Rose City Challenge gymnastics meet in time! He did SO well, I am so very proud of him. His scores are getting better, and I think he is feeling very in his skin in level 6 now. Healthy, well rested, and with friends.

I have a love/hate relationship with gymnastics. It is his life, our life, and at the same time, taxes us financially to no end! We are now cleaning the gym 2 hours a week (2 of us x 2 equally 4). The burden is so worth it in how he feels about his body, his skills, his stability and consistency in it...been doing it since he was just barely 1.

Now the guilt. Jordan & Hayden too have been doing gym since they were 1 also, and have the same possibilities of skills, strength, love of competition...but there isn't any more MONEY. They are so gifted, they literally climb the walls, beams, anything they can scale they do.

It is hard being a part of potentially the most expensive sport out there, and something I am thinking I will have to be more creative to accomplish this priority.

Laundry Lady

2008-02-28T22:11:00.001-08:00

We have been home all week now, except for excursions out to drop Morgan off at gymnastics for a few hours and pick him up, several days a week. Anyway, I had this grandeous idea of how much I would get done. Okay, on a NON COFFEE week? What the heck was I thinking??? I decided I am a Friday-Sunday coffee drinker now.

Laundry is my only goal in life for the next few days, aside from nursing, diapers, feeding the kids, cleaning up, and then any other unforeseens. For a family of 6, I should be doing about 1.5 loads a day, or with cloth diapers, about 2 loads every single day. WHICH means, if I don't get around to putting it away for a few days, I stop washing laundry, which then means if I stop washing the (literally) stinkin' laundry, I end up with a massive pile of diry & damp laundry. Now I have about 6-8 loads of clean laundry in my room and 10 loads of dirty laundry to do! Not that any of this matters, I don't know if I have EVER been caught up on laundry, and if I do get all caught up, will it all fall apart again the next time someone gets sick or I am too tired or I have to actually wash the bed linens (can't it wait until someone actually wets the bed or throws up in it?).

Alas, at least I am happy with our detergent. I am using Bio-Kleen right now, but am unhappy with both of my natural fabric softener sheets (Method...none work & something from Cost Plus...doesn't work either). I want something that smells nice (and isn't really yucky for my family).

For now...off to bed to read my New Earth book. Hopefully I have some clean unders in the morning!

Oh, and if this is boring...you can be happy you aren't me...I am happy after all, to take on that roll as laundry lady for my family. :o)

Day 2

2008-02-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

Here I am, gettin' into the blogging groove! I have now spent over 3 hours (more like 5) on my "15 minutes" blog over the past 3 days...but that is just to get it started of course, yep. I really have nothing profound to say today except that I am having another bad Mama day, where patience isn't in my Motherly toolbelt, again. Actually, this week has been kinda cranky for me (my husband might pipe in, "THIS week? Don't you mean this LIFE? You are the Queen of Cranky", all in jest of course, hehe.). Could this have anything to do with quitting coffee on Monday? I am taking some Herbalife supplements that have caffine in them, thus NO caffine addict headache (or bad coffee breath). My time is up, I guess my brain is moving rather slow and time isn't on my side today either.

Oh, and one more threat to throw the kids in school when I asked them to turn off the TV, again. That makes at least once a day this week. I guess I just am in a bad way, please forgive me Homeschool Gods, for the blasphemy I speak of. I shall wash my sins away with some penmenship at the kitchen table! (Oh, hey, and we did a science experiment today too, can't forget that!).

My First Post!

2008-02-26T12:59:00.001-08:00

This is my very first blog post! Up until recently, I really never could see myself going the blog route. I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to waste their time reading someone else's personal web log journals, when there is "so much to do and so little time" in a day already!

It all started with getting a myspace account, and found that it was more complicated than I personally could handle. So I ventured to facebook, but still felt the same about it, not what I was looking for (what was I looking for, and did I know I was looking for anything?). I always wanted my own "website" for years now, but lacked the know how (although I am pretty darn savy on navigating the internet for communication, shopping, research, etc).

Recently, as in the past few months, I found myself searching the internet for specific topics regarding unschooling, homeschooling, personal health issues I am going through, different ways to make some extra cash online, money & chores, etc. I found myself really enjoying reading a very personal experience & relatability in the blogs. It wasn't just reading a published article, which are great too, but it was more raw and true to what I was/am going through. I was sold! The deal was sealed when a group of homeschooling Mamas' that I communicated with here locally (except G in Colorado) used their blogs to express themselves & to eachother in a whole new way...different than the usual yahoogroups way that I have been using for almost 10 years now!

So here I am.

It will be rough for a while as I learn this new medium, the netiquette of blogging, how much/little to share, and of course, staying true to my title...the 15 minute blogger. That title is pretty much a new mantra of mine I got from Flylady since I tend to take HOURS to perfect what I am doing (bit obsessive am I). So, now that I have been sitting here for over an hour (getting the um, glitches out, yeah), I gotta bid a farewell- merry meet, merry part and merry meet again!