Obessessed With Baby Brain Part 2

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. I haven't been at the computer as much these days, spring cleaning has grabbed me and won't let go. I just won't stop until the whole house is better than caught up, close to goddessliness! I am an emotional cleaner and well, I have been working through a lot of emotional stuff these days (these days? try everyday for like, ever!). I would say the biggest to date is the fact that- Yes, I still want another baby; Yes, I am done having babies since M is fixed; and Yes, I still feel this surge in my hormones that is saying "Get pregnant! Get pregnant right now!". I have dragged my husband over the sharp jagged rocks of a lava site on this one. Just one mention of the word "baby" in a sentence that doesn't involve our own toddler/baby Logan, and he braces himself for the ranting and raving that pours from me, for hours, days really.

It really, really doesn't help that my sil is due, like, any minute. I am secretly wishing that she wants me at the birth so I may relive my own births, and watch as her baby girl floats up during birth (water birth). But, alas, we aren't that close, and well, I think frankly I scare her with my possessiveness of the word "pregnancy" and "baby", like I actually invented those. Actually, the other night I had a dream that she was holding my baby and hanging out with her Mom & Dad while I had to run errands with my other older kids. I kept calling her and telling her to nurse the baby, she (hmm, she is due with a girl) was hungry and my sil was engorged. I would come around between errands and mention that I was feeling like I was just not bonding with my baby. WELL DUH! It wasn't my baby, it was HERS. This whole dream affected my day, and then some. I have been living vicariously through her pregnancy, as much as I could anyway seeing how we don't hang out or anything. But still, eating up the experience as if to satiate my own mourning wounds. Yes, I am a bit twisted in the head, but not in a creepy way, really (no, really, hehe).

I am a full fledged analytical obsessive, when my mind gets fixated on something, I absolutely cannot let go until a resolution is made. The amazing thing with reading ANE and TPofNow is that for a while, while actively reading them anyway (took a break), I could actually table what I was direly needing to "deal with" and push aside for the bliss of the moment of Now. It was such a peaceful state to be in, knowing I could deal later, and was still okay, life was good, it was GOOD for the first time, no dramas unfolding. Thing is, I can't keep pushing this off, I just have to finalize it. Yes, I have read my own several pages long blog regarding my baby issues, many times actually. I guess what it comes down to is that I have been pregnant/nursing almost all of my adult life and just am not ready to be done (that is, until I read B's blog today, reminding myself why NOT having more is a better idea...environment, world stuff, etc.). Some women are meant to have more, and some less. Seeing me with my babies you would probably say I am such a great & attached Mama and I could have a dozen! Seeing me with my kids, some would say, "jeez, stop now lady...maybe 2 was too many!". Not really, but really when I am in depression/rage mode (hmm, which is quite often).

Speaking of which, I decided if I made a D&D character she would be called Rage, shoot arrows, having piercings and be my alter ego...the one that soaks up everything negative I am feeling. Problem is, I would be playing with my kids, so maybe not such a good idea. Jordan is now sleeping with a D&D book M gave him, under his pillow. When the door opens to his room he doesn't hold up his hand to make hand shadows on the wall anymore, he whips his book out from under his pillow to catch a few last minute glances at the weaponry of the dwarfs (because Gimly is his hero after all).

Anyway, back to my therapy here...or not. I never intended to blog in replacement for journal writing, but I have gone there, gone to the oh-so private places of my mind and behaviours, taking the private out of the journal and sticking it into the public of the blog. Still unsure if that is a good idea, hopefully I won't regret it!

I guess out there in blog world, there is another Mom, so grateful that she was able to birth her own children...whether it be 1, 2, 4 or more, or adopt her own kids even, appreciative of what she has and move on easily (or easier than I do anyway). I appreciate what I have been given, I truly do, my kids are such blessings in my life, they are my life. I love the pregnancy, birthing, nursing experiences I have had, it has truly changed my direction in life in the most amazing ways. (Yes, there's a BUT coming) But, there are some of us who have a hard time letting go, seeing that part of our lives close and moving on to the next phase in life, and talking about it really helps sort things (I am sure obsessing has no benefit though, ahem). I hope I am able to at least touch another Mama in her quest for peace in closure, because for some, we need more I guess.

Jeez, I can't wait to go through menopause, or empty nest syndrome, or, or, or...

Vent OUT, Not In

I am. I am just. I am just having a very interesting week, or two. I am just having a very emotional life. I am just. I am.

Up, down, up and down, sometimes in a minute or an hour. Clean everything like a mad woman, then let it all fall apart. Inspired to conquer, and then crawling to the computer to get my "fix" away from it all. Happy and lovey dovey, then get the he!! out of my face angry. Delegate things, then martrydom. I just need to vent on this one.

Doom & gloom, grab a broom, push them out the door. Play, play, outside today, and let my feelings all over the floor. Love, love, love my kids, why don't I feel so good? The ups and the downs and the very sad frowns, when am I gonna give? Pushing and pulling and never stop yearning, wanting to be happy for a DAY. Emotions and ego and can I re-live NO. Never ending, can't quit the emotional spending, taxing and tearing and so overbearing. Open my eyes, the cries, the cries. Open my heart, can't I just tear it out? Wishing me thinnner, pretty and a "winner", wanting me happy, not a Mama that's crappy. Letting it flow out and please God don't go out, I need your help and please don't make me yelp. Poem is over, my life needs to...flower.

I have been bottling those feelings for sometime now. I am just cranky, tired, feel fat and frumpy and caught a glimpse of myself at church today, how sad does a woman have to look before she actually gets off her butt and does something. I have never seen an animal feel sorry for itself. Last night before getting into bed, Mark mentioned that my lovely saddlebags were very noticeable. He wasn't being mean, but didn't feel good. So I went to the mirror and what did I see, why eight thunderous reindeer...sorry, that's a different story. So I looked and before my eyes shocked the sh!$ out of me! I have saddlebags meant for a draft horse! ~sigh~ The time is nigh (okay, knigh sounding, not like neigh a horse!).

Baby is ripping plastics from the cupboard, Tremors II is almost over (our favorite B horror flick, okay, next to Bats & Eight-Legged Freaks). Gotta compose myself, or morph, into a better Mama, cuz who needs to hear how unhappy I am, AGAIN. It's really all in my mind, just too bad I got this crazy, messed up one..

Laundry Lady

We have been home all week now, except for excursions out to drop Morgan off at gymnastics for a few hours and pick him up, several days a week. Anyway, I had this grandeous idea of how much I would get done. Okay, on a NON COFFEE week? What the heck was I thinking??? I decided I am a Friday-Sunday coffee drinker now.

Laundry is my only goal in life for the next few days, aside from nursing, diapers, feeding the kids, cleaning up, and then any other unforeseens. For a family of 6, I should be doing about 1.5 loads a day, or with cloth diapers, about 2 loads every single day. WHICH means, if I don't get around to putting it away for a few days, I stop washing laundry, which then means if I stop washing the (literally) stinkin' laundry, I end up with a massive pile of diry & damp laundry. Now I have about 6-8 loads of clean laundry in my room and 10 loads of dirty laundry to do! Not that any of this matters, I don't know if I have EVER been caught up on laundry, and if I do get all caught up, will it all fall apart again the next time someone gets sick or I am too tired or I have to actually wash the bed linens (can't it wait until someone actually wets the bed or throws up in it?).

Alas, at least I am happy with our detergent. I am using Bio-Kleen right now, but am unhappy with both of my natural fabric softener sheets (Method...none work & something from Cost Plus...doesn't work either). I want something that smells nice (and isn't really yucky for my family).

For now...off to bed to read my New Earth book. Hopefully I have some clean unders in the morning!

Oh, and if this is boring...you can be happy you aren't me...I am happy after all, to take on that roll as laundry lady for my family. :o)