Recoiling in My "Coop"

What coop you say? My chicken coop, for I am a big chicken (yeah, so uber creative). Barf.

I have this big label across my life that screams to everyone "this lady is really insecure & full of fear" and here is her list why (are they fictiously created in my crazy obessessive brain?). I am so stinkin' fearful of all the "what ifs" in my life that I am paralized from living a more adventurous life & authentically who I am underneath it all.

What if so-and-so doesn't accept me? What if I like women (and occassionally men too)? What will others say (weither they be the gay or hetro communities)? And still concerned about my parents not accepting me (um, I see them every 1 to 3 yrs...not daily, it can't be that bad!).

So far, the whole coming out process (when I actually am not hiding behind a large coat in my closet) has been mellow. I told my biological Mom and she was like, "Are you kidding, why would I ever not accept you for who you are? And by the way, my step sister is gay". Okay, that was easy. My soon-to-be un-hubby has always known, that hasn't been his bug-a-boo in our break up so much as a whole 'nother can o' worms (won't go there, not now anyway).

Fear sucks. It doesn't just suck, it sucks the life right out of you. It sucks the wind from your sails. It sucks the health from your body. It sucks your spirit and soul right from the core of your being. What happened to that product line that talked about Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway? I LOVED that line, but still hid behind the logo. Do we all do this or is it just me hiding behind some mega-fear? I suppose it is all relative (whatever the hell that means), I mean...hey, I am pretty "out" there on Facebook, my Blog (WHEN I blog) I am getting into my "out" groove. I could be a total closet case.

Did I mention I miss my therapist? Can't afford to go currently. She really talked about how bad fear is, reminded me that all we have is now, what we fear is not what we fear...it is the UNknown that we fear. For control-freak-aholics such as myself, the unknown is scary.

Well, I did blog. I got some more fear on the table, which deflates it a little more at least. I still have this nagging little voice on my should whispering into my ear something about telling too much...but who really cares? I am never going to be president, I plan on running my own businesses and not working for some corporation that will fire me because my blog is too "revealing". I think it is a little beast called fear that that is doing the whispering.