Recoiling in My "Coop"

What coop you say? My chicken coop, for I am a big chicken (yeah, so uber creative). Barf.

I have this big label across my life that screams to everyone "this lady is really insecure & full of fear" and here is her list why (are they fictiously created in my crazy obessessive brain?). I am so stinkin' fearful of all the "what ifs" in my life that I am paralized from living a more adventurous life & authentically who I am underneath it all.

What if so-and-so doesn't accept me? What if I like women (and occassionally men too)? What will others say (weither they be the gay or hetro communities)? And still concerned about my parents not accepting me (um, I see them every 1 to 3 yrs...not daily, it can't be that bad!).

So far, the whole coming out process (when I actually am not hiding behind a large coat in my closet) has been mellow. I told my biological Mom and she was like, "Are you kidding, why would I ever not accept you for who you are? And by the way, my step sister is gay". Okay, that was easy. My soon-to-be un-hubby has always known, that hasn't been his bug-a-boo in our break up so much as a whole 'nother can o' worms (won't go there, not now anyway).

Fear sucks. It doesn't just suck, it sucks the life right out of you. It sucks the wind from your sails. It sucks the health from your body. It sucks your spirit and soul right from the core of your being. What happened to that product line that talked about Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway? I LOVED that line, but still hid behind the logo. Do we all do this or is it just me hiding behind some mega-fear? I suppose it is all relative (whatever the hell that means), I mean...hey, I am pretty "out" there on Facebook, my Blog (WHEN I blog) I am getting into my "out" groove. I could be a total closet case.

Did I mention I miss my therapist? Can't afford to go currently. She really talked about how bad fear is, reminded me that all we have is now, what we fear is not what we fear...it is the UNknown that we fear. For control-freak-aholics such as myself, the unknown is scary.

Well, I did blog. I got some more fear on the table, which deflates it a little more at least. I still have this nagging little voice on my should whispering into my ear something about telling too much...but who really cares? I am never going to be president, I plan on running my own businesses and not working for some corporation that will fire me because my blog is too "revealing". I think it is a little beast called fear that that is doing the whispering.

Take me or leave me...almost.

I am an all or nothing blogger, or really, that applies to most everything in my life. I give it my all or not at all. Lately, as much as I have been wanting to blog, I haven't figured out how to track my process and progress. When I say figure it out, it is the same conundrum as when I started blogging oh-so long ago (lol, yeah, okay, a year ago maybe?). Share all, half or just the surface. I still struggle with who is reading this, why I want to share any/all of my life with strangers, what is blogging really about and its purpose, and really the bottom line is...is my family or others reading this that I would really rather didn't? Do I bare all to the 80% of friends, family & strangers who may gleen some wisdom from my life and experiences to risk the 20% of family I would rather keep out of my business? I think once I sort that out, I will be free to be me and who I am. FREE I tell you...with all abandonment (but not lacking sound right of mind and tact in what I right...or attempt at tact, lol).

It just came to me though. In this internet world of permance, and a short and fleeting real time life; what I share is me, my thoughts, my actions and if I am being ME, the kind and genuine ME, what does it matter? Does it matter what my family thinks? REALLY? I am who I am and have shortchanged who I am in fear of unknown reprecusions and admonishments my whole life. Isn't that why I am climbing this current mountain, the quest for true wholeness in my life, true authentic ME-ness. If two, or 4 or 10 family members are upset, WHY why why should that hold me back? Are they gonna knock on my door and ground me? Are they going to verbally repremand me on the phone? Will they disown me? It's not like I haven't been through that before, got it down, been there & done that. What are my options? Considering all that I have gone through emotionally in the past 6 months, what significance do they have on my emotional state anymore? I have fear of rejection and hurtful words. That is it. Oh, and one more thing, I am just almost to the point where I won't second guess or doubt myself anymore. Once I get that firm within myself, I won't care. I can love them, and they can or can't love me, they can take me or leave me, but if they do love me they can take me and love me and respect me.

And I can still respect ME.

The Mountain Climber

A woman packs her backpack carefully with all the supplies she needs, for she is going on a hike like never before, and hopefully never again. In her pack she makes sure to have all the supplies she needs to pull her through this very uncharted territory; things like her favorite spiritual books, a few beloved necklaces and rings, some of her favorite dragonfly pins & medallions. These all give her the energy to keep on going when she doesn't want to by just touching them, stopping all thoughts for a mere second or so, remembering the reason why she is on this journey and what she hopes to achieve. The most beloved treasure is on her wrist inscribed in a thick ink, her Serenity Prayer. Life means nothing without that, that prose that reminds her of getting through "another day, another day", taking one day at a time, just one more day she can do.

Once she has her pack ready, she puts it on her back and starts her walk, for the journey has begun that moment, the mountain is in front of her right then and there, it is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

She stops and really takes in this mountain. IS this really necessary? Is it that important to climb it? Questions pop in her head like little mosquitoes trying to distract her from trying, from remembering, overwhelming her at the same time. They are trying to justify why her life is fine, why life will be just fine if she would stay with the plan she had already made 12 1/2 years ago. No need to climb this and ruin things for herself, or for the others who depend on her for normalcy and the perceived "great life" that people seem to think she has. She bats at the mosquitoes and regains some focus as to why she MUST climb this mountain. It not just for her, but for the others who are counting on her in life, and something about being "real, true, authentic and genuine" in life and an example to her children about living one life and being who you really are.

Refocusing on the mountain, she takes in all the details she can see from her starting point. At the mountain's bottom is a bridge that crosses over a cold and unforgiving river that flows fast and angry. She is relieved that she can cross that river with much ease due to the strong wooden bridge, not having to expend much energy on crossing it's raging waters, using up much of her energy on the beginning of her journey. She then sees the bottom of the mountain and it starts with a long slope and slippery from so many unstable little pebbles; then it gets rockier and she knows she must jump from rock to rock because of the wide gaps between them, but also knowing she must only jump to the rocks with firmly planted bases otherwise fall with them into the river. Up past the rocks with gaps are the steep and rocky sides she will have to climb, free climb, to get to the top. Then comes the fog and the unknown terrain past that, taking full force of her faith in herself and faith in using her resources well, and a little prayer wouldn't hurt too!

Upon reaching the top, she knows the journey isn't over, a new one has begun. But she knows that if she can climb this mountain, there is no harder one out there and they can be journeyed with the experience and support from climbing this Mt. Monster.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer and haven't taken any courses. Please forgive the grammatical & other faux pas I may have made. This analogy on my life came to me this morning.

I have made it known to some that I am forging a new path in life, sometimes with much excitement, mostly with much reluctance, trepidation, and sadness at this point. My life hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard. Depression is a dark evil that is a hard battle to win, on top of that adding addicting personality traits (depression, obsession, compulsions, anxiety, rage, mood swings from hell & old substances of the past) you would wonder how I survived this long, why anyone would WANT to be close to me (I have lost a lot of friends) and why I am not choosing medication (psychotic mood swings from meds is way worse in my experience, think "acid trip", NO JOKE).

Wherever this new path leads, I am still me, only better & more open with who I really am under this heterosexual veil. I hope that by lifting the veil...I can be free, happy and the depression monster will fade away. I have heard this to be true for others who "Come Out".

I love my family (Mark & our boys), more than my life. But if I choose to love them and not me, I have nothing to give, and see my life's end all to soon. It is in releasing me of my bonds that I think life will become really beautiful.

As with my favorite insect, the Dragonfly, the pupa stage can be up to 7 years under the water...being the top predator insect in all waters and surviving on whatever it can chomp on. My pupa state is over and I am ready to fly, to become the beautiful Dragonfly I am (let's forget about the part they only live about 6 months out of the water though. ;0)

Halloween 2003!

I cannot believe that this was 5 years ago!!! In the life of a child it goes on forever...but as an adult it passes all too quickly.

I was 31, Mark was 32, Morgan 6, Jordan 3, Hayden 10 months.

Moving!

As if life hasn't been hectic enough, ups and downs with certain relationships in my life, I felt the need to uproot our family...again. Thank goodness I was able to keep us this rooted for 2 1/2 yrs this time! Almost a record (longest place we ever lived was our Wilder Dr. address in Soquel, CA for 3 yrs and 4 months!).

We aren't moving far, just about a mile or so away, still in Keizer, but over by Whiteaker & Gubser schools. You wouldn't believe the amount of due diligence I put into this move! The deciding-factor score was: Stay- 12 pros/11 cons; Move- 27 pros/7 cons. There ya go...even if it is WAY more expensive. Let me highlight some of the top winners to move:

*5 bedrooms (we are in a 2 bedrm).
*2 full bathrooms (we are in a 1!!!).
*a kitchen that will allow my kitchen creativity to reign (um, hopefully?).
*a city park surrounded by really cool houses full of family centered people.
*Option to lease-own.
*Dog in our future, at least it will be MY choice if we get one or not.
*a laundry room with a mud room sink in it!

So, probably another blog sabbatical, gonna be a lot of work to pack it all, clean the new place, move everything over there, clean this place, and unpack everything (we have a lot!!!). All the while cleaning houses, carooling, shuttling my own kids, daily stuff like laundry, meals, errands, bills & trying to manage an increasing outflow (due to higher rent), and get to the gym.

I am also trying to learn about office cleaning and getting some clients and starting a housecleaning business.

Did I mention I am 176 lbs now (speaking of the gym...had to slide this in there!)? I started at about 192 at the beginning of the summer. Apparantly I aggravated my stupid Heel Bone Spur an am dealing with some health issues that are flaring up again (going for Lupus test this time). BUT, have to say that in all the years of dealing with depression, weight and such, exercise really is the answer!

Anyway, you'll find me behind my green clipboard, list of move to dos in hand, with my basket of rainbow pens, labels & packing tape! That is, if you can find the house behind all the boxes on the porch!

Baby's have such a way of making you look old and wrinkly! They are so fresh & cute! This is Logan at 22 months (he is 2 now!).

Life

I can't believe it has been a month and a half since I have blogged! I am still trying to figure out what this all means. It isn't a personal journal, I mean, I can't spill all my beans on here! And it isn't a way to connect with others all that well. For me is a bit of a sanitized journal...me, but the slightly edited me. No, I am not some psychotic Mama typing away, I just know that family can come across this accidentally and then interrogate the heck out of me for what I choose to do with my life (although I have to say I make good choices MOST of the time, hehe). Yes, I am 35, almost 36, but still, who wants grief from family???

Life has been...interesting. Going through some...stuff. I think my absence from blogging is because I haven't figured out how to be open/honest with myself on so many levels and when you have emotional blockage, well, nothing flows well. Constipation of the emotions.

I recently (today actually) hit 179 lbs!!! HURRAY! I have been working out so much, eating smaller portions and not snacking, less fast food, trying to not eat after 7 or 8 (less late dinners!), having a meal shake for breakfast instead of coffee with 900 calories of creamer!!! Stuff like that. I am READY to lose the weight, and that is the biggest factor. You can't (or won't) if you aren't ready.

My first 10 lb reward was to re-pierce my tongue. Okaaayyyy, that I know may sound more like torture (and have to say, the healing was much harder this time and think I may have lost 3 lbs from not being able to eat, haha). For me, it was being more ME than I have been in a long time. Something I have been "toning down" for the sake of Motherhood. You can only mellow out so much before you realize you aren't being much of you anymore, and you want the kids to know who you really are, that you aren't bland or boring, that you have interests too.

That is it for today. I will try to post again soon! Maybe even to spill the beans, maybe.

Vaccines- Research, Research and MORE Research!

For 12 years now, more or less, I have been reading magazine articles and books, searching the internet for hours upon hours, talking to Doctors in Medicine, Natropaths, Midwives & Doulas, Chiropractors, friends, family, strangers, attending talks and a seminar here and there, and more...all to get a more informed decision made on Immunizations, Vaccinations, Innoculations, Homeopathic Immunizations and every other alternative I could find. This has not been easy, and if I had a better retention on what I have learned, I could write my own book on the matter.

Here is a little bit of info on Dr. Sears The Vaccine Book: It was very informative and more balanced than I have read in a book form (albeit still very pro-vaccine). Each disease & vaccine was discussed in length, along with how the vaccine is made and what is in the injection upon use. He was admittingly uneasy with the lack of better tracking of vaccines and their effects on infants/children/adults over a longer time span, and he was also uneasy with who was paying for certain "studies" in his reference section. Aluminun has a fairly lengthy discussion in the book, as it is very toxic in humans with not enough studies on this heavy metal. Dr. Sears listed 3 seperate vaccine schedules for infants/children that I thought were intersting.

~AAP 2007 Schedule

~Selective Vaccination Schedule- Only the most important vaccines that he feels are non-negotiable and have the smallest side effects.

~Alternative Vaccination Schedule- All the diseases, but spread out over longer periods of time with more shots & Dr. visits, to lessen the effects of each disease on the body and to limit aluminun exposure.

I am personally keen on the Selective Schedule at this point, but since I am starting another book on the subject, I will withhold my liking to it for now. The next book is promoted by Peggy O'Mara from Mothering Magazine and likes it for the lack of "hype" behind it, a balanced bridge between both worlds.

We have only done homeopathic immunizations in pillule form, for Morgan mostly as a toddler that is, and it worked like a charm for Chicken Pox. With that in mind, I am not sure if we even need to do most of those shots anyway since we have the diseases in a kit form and can give at anytime someone is exposed to a disease or shows symptoms.

When my oldest, Morgan, was 3 and we were a part of a cooperative preschool in Oregon City, Chicken Pox was going around and one day he had 15 C.Pox on his right shoulder. He had been getting the homeopathics from time to time as a routine schedule administered by mouth and by me at home. The preschool wanted him to stay home for a full 2 weeks or until the pox were gone. No fever, no lethargy, nothing, just pox. A month later, he got them again, but about 15 of them on the left shoulder this time. Once again, no co-op for us until they were gone, and again, no fevers, no sickness, just pox. After they scabbed (they were tiny and mild), we went and got what I think is called a titer test, and the labs checked his antibodies for C.Pox. The tests showed he had the antibodies, and so the "homeopathic experiment" was successful! They worked! They allowed him to get the disease in the mildest of forms, one that allows his body to create some strong antibodies without all the junk in shots.

So why am I obsessed with vaccinations still then if homeopathics worked so well? Well, every winter I panic when Pertusis season comes around, researching homeopathics and vitamin therapies for good ole Whooping Cough, just in case. I have a file of all the info on this should it hit our house due to not vaccinating. We ironically have used almost our whole vial of Pertussis because I dole it out to all the kids when a "funny cough" is present. I guess getting titers for all of them would be better at this point, fear is no fun and hard to manage a household of children with fear of illness in mind. Fear surrounding diseases abound on the internet though. If you look up a rash or disease, you get stories or pictures of the WORST case scenarios, hard to make a rational and informed decision based on all of that hype! Fear sells though.

The other reason, we will all be vaccinated at some point, we want to travel to the jungles of Costa Rica, Australian Outback, visit Brazil, Mexico and part of India. Japan and China would be fun to see too. With travel in mind, vaccines are inevitable for our whole family, but learning everything about them and how to boost our immune systems A LOT with vitamins, minerals, herbs and homeopathics...side effects from the vaccines are much slimmer.

We are bacially running on "herd immunity" at this point, getting by because so many around us are vaccinated, giving my kids a "get out of shots free" ticket. The moral issue is personal choice/freedom to choose what is best on an individual level, or a more herd-like approach that protects the nation/world as a whole? I am uneasy with the last one because I don't feel that long term studies have been done on what type of disease come from the vaccines themselves...eczema, arthritis, diabetes, cancers...and on and on, LATER in life. In reading the history of vaccinations (which the word derives from the Latin world Vacca, which means Cow...which is how people were treating small-pox,originally from cow-pox scabs), no one has ever gotten it right for too long and without MUCH cost to humans. No long term studies/trials or even TRACKING what happens. Then there is the whole no daycare/and breastfeed for 3ish years that protects the heck out of the kids from even needing most of the shots because they outgrow the need for protection.

I could go on, but it is sunny out and the kids are needing me. So research stops for now, and life goes on, because that is why I do this, for my kids.

I am no expert, but try really hard to learn everything I can for MY family. I can give info I have learned, but don't want others to take my advice on what they *should* with their own children. I don't want the responsibility of their outcomes, that is for them to be responsible for. My strong advice...research, research and more research!!!