Take me or leave me...almost.

I am an all or nothing blogger, or really, that applies to most everything in my life. I give it my all or not at all. Lately, as much as I have been wanting to blog, I haven't figured out how to track my process and progress. When I say figure it out, it is the same conundrum as when I started blogging oh-so long ago (lol, yeah, okay, a year ago maybe?). Share all, half or just the surface. I still struggle with who is reading this, why I want to share any/all of my life with strangers, what is blogging really about and its purpose, and really the bottom line is...is my family or others reading this that I would really rather didn't? Do I bare all to the 80% of friends, family & strangers who may gleen some wisdom from my life and experiences to risk the 20% of family I would rather keep out of my business? I think once I sort that out, I will be free to be me and who I am. FREE I tell you...with all abandonment (but not lacking sound right of mind and tact in what I right...or attempt at tact, lol).

It just came to me though. In this internet world of permance, and a short and fleeting real time life; what I share is me, my thoughts, my actions and if I am being ME, the kind and genuine ME, what does it matter? Does it matter what my family thinks? REALLY? I am who I am and have shortchanged who I am in fear of unknown reprecusions and admonishments my whole life. Isn't that why I am climbing this current mountain, the quest for true wholeness in my life, true authentic ME-ness. If two, or 4 or 10 family members are upset, WHY why why should that hold me back? Are they gonna knock on my door and ground me? Are they going to verbally repremand me on the phone? Will they disown me? It's not like I haven't been through that before, got it down, been there & done that. What are my options? Considering all that I have gone through emotionally in the past 6 months, what significance do they have on my emotional state anymore? I have fear of rejection and hurtful words. That is it. Oh, and one more thing, I am just almost to the point where I won't second guess or doubt myself anymore. Once I get that firm within myself, I won't care. I can love them, and they can or can't love me, they can take me or leave me, but if they do love me they can take me and love me and respect me.

And I can still respect ME.

The Mountain Climber

A woman packs her backpack carefully with all the supplies she needs, for she is going on a hike like never before, and hopefully never again. In her pack she makes sure to have all the supplies she needs to pull her through this very uncharted territory; things like her favorite spiritual books, a few beloved necklaces and rings, some of her favorite dragonfly pins & medallions. These all give her the energy to keep on going when she doesn't want to by just touching them, stopping all thoughts for a mere second or so, remembering the reason why she is on this journey and what she hopes to achieve. The most beloved treasure is on her wrist inscribed in a thick ink, her Serenity Prayer. Life means nothing without that, that prose that reminds her of getting through "another day, another day", taking one day at a time, just one more day she can do.

Once she has her pack ready, she puts it on her back and starts her walk, for the journey has begun that moment, the mountain is in front of her right then and there, it is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

She stops and really takes in this mountain. IS this really necessary? Is it that important to climb it? Questions pop in her head like little mosquitoes trying to distract her from trying, from remembering, overwhelming her at the same time. They are trying to justify why her life is fine, why life will be just fine if she would stay with the plan she had already made 12 1/2 years ago. No need to climb this and ruin things for herself, or for the others who depend on her for normalcy and the perceived "great life" that people seem to think she has. She bats at the mosquitoes and regains some focus as to why she MUST climb this mountain. It not just for her, but for the others who are counting on her in life, and something about being "real, true, authentic and genuine" in life and an example to her children about living one life and being who you really are.

Refocusing on the mountain, she takes in all the details she can see from her starting point. At the mountain's bottom is a bridge that crosses over a cold and unforgiving river that flows fast and angry. She is relieved that she can cross that river with much ease due to the strong wooden bridge, not having to expend much energy on crossing it's raging waters, using up much of her energy on the beginning of her journey. She then sees the bottom of the mountain and it starts with a long slope and slippery from so many unstable little pebbles; then it gets rockier and she knows she must jump from rock to rock because of the wide gaps between them, but also knowing she must only jump to the rocks with firmly planted bases otherwise fall with them into the river. Up past the rocks with gaps are the steep and rocky sides she will have to climb, free climb, to get to the top. Then comes the fog and the unknown terrain past that, taking full force of her faith in herself and faith in using her resources well, and a little prayer wouldn't hurt too!

Upon reaching the top, she knows the journey isn't over, a new one has begun. But she knows that if she can climb this mountain, there is no harder one out there and they can be journeyed with the experience and support from climbing this Mt. Monster.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer and haven't taken any courses. Please forgive the grammatical & other faux pas I may have made. This analogy on my life came to me this morning.

I have made it known to some that I am forging a new path in life, sometimes with much excitement, mostly with much reluctance, trepidation, and sadness at this point. My life hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard. Depression is a dark evil that is a hard battle to win, on top of that adding addicting personality traits (depression, obsession, compulsions, anxiety, rage, mood swings from hell & old substances of the past) you would wonder how I survived this long, why anyone would WANT to be close to me (I have lost a lot of friends) and why I am not choosing medication (psychotic mood swings from meds is way worse in my experience, think "acid trip", NO JOKE).

Wherever this new path leads, I am still me, only better & more open with who I really am under this heterosexual veil. I hope that by lifting the veil...I can be free, happy and the depression monster will fade away. I have heard this to be true for others who "Come Out".

I love my family (Mark & our boys), more than my life. But if I choose to love them and not me, I have nothing to give, and see my life's end all to soon. It is in releasing me of my bonds that I think life will become really beautiful.

As with my favorite insect, the Dragonfly, the pupa stage can be up to 7 years under the water...being the top predator insect in all waters and surviving on whatever it can chomp on. My pupa state is over and I am ready to fly, to become the beautiful Dragonfly I am (let's forget about the part they only live about 6 months out of the water though. ;0)

Obessessed With Baby Brain Part 2

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. I haven't been at the computer as much these days, spring cleaning has grabbed me and won't let go. I just won't stop until the whole house is better than caught up, close to goddessliness! I am an emotional cleaner and well, I have been working through a lot of emotional stuff these days (these days? try everyday for like, ever!). I would say the biggest to date is the fact that- Yes, I still want another baby; Yes, I am done having babies since M is fixed; and Yes, I still feel this surge in my hormones that is saying "Get pregnant! Get pregnant right now!". I have dragged my husband over the sharp jagged rocks of a lava site on this one. Just one mention of the word "baby" in a sentence that doesn't involve our own toddler/baby Logan, and he braces himself for the ranting and raving that pours from me, for hours, days really.

It really, really doesn't help that my sil is due, like, any minute. I am secretly wishing that she wants me at the birth so I may relive my own births, and watch as her baby girl floats up during birth (water birth). But, alas, we aren't that close, and well, I think frankly I scare her with my possessiveness of the word "pregnancy" and "baby", like I actually invented those. Actually, the other night I had a dream that she was holding my baby and hanging out with her Mom & Dad while I had to run errands with my other older kids. I kept calling her and telling her to nurse the baby, she (hmm, she is due with a girl) was hungry and my sil was engorged. I would come around between errands and mention that I was feeling like I was just not bonding with my baby. WELL DUH! It wasn't my baby, it was HERS. This whole dream affected my day, and then some. I have been living vicariously through her pregnancy, as much as I could anyway seeing how we don't hang out or anything. But still, eating up the experience as if to satiate my own mourning wounds. Yes, I am a bit twisted in the head, but not in a creepy way, really (no, really, hehe).

I am a full fledged analytical obsessive, when my mind gets fixated on something, I absolutely cannot let go until a resolution is made. The amazing thing with reading ANE and TPofNow is that for a while, while actively reading them anyway (took a break), I could actually table what I was direly needing to "deal with" and push aside for the bliss of the moment of Now. It was such a peaceful state to be in, knowing I could deal later, and was still okay, life was good, it was GOOD for the first time, no dramas unfolding. Thing is, I can't keep pushing this off, I just have to finalize it. Yes, I have read my own several pages long blog regarding my baby issues, many times actually. I guess what it comes down to is that I have been pregnant/nursing almost all of my adult life and just am not ready to be done (that is, until I read B's blog today, reminding myself why NOT having more is a better idea...environment, world stuff, etc.). Some women are meant to have more, and some less. Seeing me with my babies you would probably say I am such a great & attached Mama and I could have a dozen! Seeing me with my kids, some would say, "jeez, stop now lady...maybe 2 was too many!". Not really, but really when I am in depression/rage mode (hmm, which is quite often).

Speaking of which, I decided if I made a D&D character she would be called Rage, shoot arrows, having piercings and be my alter ego...the one that soaks up everything negative I am feeling. Problem is, I would be playing with my kids, so maybe not such a good idea. Jordan is now sleeping with a D&D book M gave him, under his pillow. When the door opens to his room he doesn't hold up his hand to make hand shadows on the wall anymore, he whips his book out from under his pillow to catch a few last minute glances at the weaponry of the dwarfs (because Gimly is his hero after all).

Anyway, back to my therapy here...or not. I never intended to blog in replacement for journal writing, but I have gone there, gone to the oh-so private places of my mind and behaviours, taking the private out of the journal and sticking it into the public of the blog. Still unsure if that is a good idea, hopefully I won't regret it!

I guess out there in blog world, there is another Mom, so grateful that she was able to birth her own children...whether it be 1, 2, 4 or more, or adopt her own kids even, appreciative of what she has and move on easily (or easier than I do anyway). I appreciate what I have been given, I truly do, my kids are such blessings in my life, they are my life. I love the pregnancy, birthing, nursing experiences I have had, it has truly changed my direction in life in the most amazing ways. (Yes, there's a BUT coming) But, there are some of us who have a hard time letting go, seeing that part of our lives close and moving on to the next phase in life, and talking about it really helps sort things (I am sure obsessing has no benefit though, ahem). I hope I am able to at least touch another Mama in her quest for peace in closure, because for some, we need more I guess.

Jeez, I can't wait to go through menopause, or empty nest syndrome, or, or, or...

Life

I have been mainly blogging on my other blogs these days. I have taken my health blog http://mamakendras-journeytohealth.blogspot.com/ to a new level, since I feel that this is something quite serious. It is a journey I am working through on so many levels- too many really, but in the end it is all up to me and how I think & handle it, in order to "put off the end". Life has a cruddy irony sometimes, sometimes I think it is really personally attacking me, but it is just a joke (from life itself!).

I am making some new choices, what I put in my body, what I do w/ my body, how I relate to Mark & the kids, how close I get to others around me, what is important materially.

I need to live like I only have one day to live with my family, but plan for the future like I am going to live to be 95 (because I AM going to live to be 95+!!!).

My "New" Toy

Actually, I have had this since 2005, when Mark's Aunt Leah was clearing her "estate" (ie: giving everything to me). I didn't use it until the other day, and am now smacking myself upside the head and wishing for all these years I would have been though! It makes the best, tastiest, more flavorful coffee I have ever had in my life. I actually like the taste of it, and find the creamer to be a bit overkill now. Thank you Starbuck's for explaining to me on the phone how to do it!

Okay, for those of you wondering, yes, I have fallen off the coffee wagon. I am however, getting back on it tomorrow since I won't be able to drink any and then will only be able to in slight moderation depending on the outcome of my liver biopsy...in more detail on My Journey TO Health blog.

I Think I've Done It!

I don't know if I have shaken my bout with depression currently or not, but I am feeling pretty good. We went to Bend (OR) this past weekend to attend Morgan's gymnastics State Championships, and we stayed with Mark's family (cousin). It was a quick trip, but it was so nice to be in a different place! The blue sky was just what my clouded up brain needed. Salem is so gray, dark, cold & wet. This was a breath of fresh & cold air, but bright and sunny! We could do stuff outside (and move around a lot to keep warm), and we didn't have to run from the wet, damp or rain. We almost moved to Bend in 1998 when we first moved up to Oregon (and then back to CA in 2001, and then back up here in 2005), but we chose to move to a beautiful little town of Silverton (now we are in Keizer- 40 inches of rain). Everything there was almost perfect, except for the 44 inches of rain a year! (Bend gets about 11 inches!).

Having hours of coffee induced conversation w/ my husband...talking about our constant money "situation", moving, raising kids, where we really want to settle and stay, how to buy a house with one income...or not, kids, family, friends, more on life, health, etc...it got tense, but we never argued. That alone was a huge accomplishment! Tired, cranky kids in the back, a 3 hour drive home, the stress of some of the conversation (moving, money & family), we pulled it off successfully.

I know I analyze my life A LOT, more than weekly or daily...more like bi-hourly! Trying to peg myself into some sort of clinical diagnosis to "solve" my emotional/mental state. I am settling into the whole "A New Earth" idea of my ego just running amok in my brain, and has been for some time now. I am NOT bi-polar, despite my ups & downs for the past, oh, 35 years (um, that is how old I am!), I am NOT run by my depression, well, I am, but I letting it by not exercising or taking care of me w/ good foods and thoughts. I can see this now that the clouds have cleared from my head a bit, and to act quickly will keep the demons far from my being.

So, things are looking up, life was shaken and I actually saw the light (in Bend).

Utopia in My Mind

So here I am, sleepy baby sitting/leaning asleep on my chest, time to blog. I am analyzing my whole reason for blogging. I was inspired by some fellow homeschooling Mama's that I know, it seemed so fun, such a great way to log life, and is this for me, my family, my friends or all of the above?

If this is for family, to see the kids and everything they do (since I have family all over the country, and my own parents & brother's fam live across the country in MD), how much or little to say? Will I squelch who I am and be more cautious, not being as open for fear of someone "commenting" a comment? What about friends? I am not some outrageously flamboyant person in the first place, but I have been called a conservative rebel for tattooing the back of my head (where I could hide my tat OR grow my hair back), and been accused of stirring the pot, rocking the boat and being an instigator- a black sheep in my family. I have had 18 piercings all over my body at one time, dyed my hair fun colors and wore hair wraps (one that turned into a dread lock). I have been in a coven (wasn't all that exciting actually). BUT, I have been pretty darn mellow in the past several years so some would never know any of this but me as a Mama, of the crunchier type.

Ahhh, the balancing act of who I am. Ekart Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway, who my being is, well, that is who I really am. In this game of life though, who I represent, who I present myself to be, who I hang with, how I behave or treat my husband and children, it really does matter, even if it is the ego (which I am only on chapter 3 of 10). So, do I bare my demons, egos, loves, hates, and just be the raw me, or tidy it up a bit...not quite soccer mom, but crunchy stevia sweetened granola Mama.

Then there is the who I am vs who I really want to be. I am a fire spitting f-you if you're in my face and punch the wall punk from rage hell. I am that. I am the pregnant lady who got out of her car to yell at a truck driver for cutting her off in an intersection...just keeping herself from punching the guy in the face. I am the mean Mama who tells her kids to go away, says "what are you thinking?" and "leave me alone". I am the wife that pokes fun at her husband, at his expense and can be awfully mean and cruel and not bat an eye. I have a meanness and nasty side most people would be shocked if let out of it's cage (because IT is a being in my head- thus is possessive in a dual sense). I have been mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme, I have been in more physical fights than I should have been in, even more verbal fights times 100.

BUT WAIT! That isn't who I WANT to be. I don't want to blog about that, doesn't that make it okay to be that way? I cringe at Mother's who tell their kids to go away, "beat it", are mean to their spouses, who embrace the yucky side of themselves, like they let a monster out of themselves and, "well, that's me so deal with it or leave".

I have tried to be a better person my whole life, I am NOT stopping now, I will not be defeated. I want to be genuine in my efforts and in the outcome. Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind, but why the hell not??? (hmmm, maybe I should go back on Zoloft, Mark did say I was nicer, albeit spacey and even more tired!).

I guess when I figure it out, the clean named 15 minute blogger just may change its name.