Mom Pals & Kids Growin' Up

I once saw this Law & Order episode where at the end the show this lady had passed (or maybe it was a guy...most likely murdered...obviously neither impacted me like the point I am about to get to...), so this person passed and the cops were wondering (okay, now I think it may have been Crossing Jordan...and it was the forensics team wondering...anyway!) where this person's friends were since not one person showed up to the funeral.

This person had hundreds of friends, dozens of really close ones...but ALL ONLINE!

So, point is, I have a bunch of friends, most I rarely see even once a year, some just once a year, others just a few times a month, that just seems so, odd. I guess if I was raising kids 25 years ago I would either A) not have any friends at all; B) get out of the house during the day more and meet some; or C) actually have a life since I wouldn't be sittin' at the friggin' computer on and off all day. (okay, exaggeration, but feels like it!).

I guess friends take effort, and after pseudo-homeschooling, half-ass cleaning the house and all the other roles home manager entail...I just "get by" with the least amount of effort. So on that note, I am going to make sure to actually talk to a friend on the phone. Oh wait, I called Sam this week already! (whew, off the hook!).

But really, I miss the good ol' days of my "Coffee Klatch" (as Rachel K. used to say), we all were in the midst of having babies, nursing and had toddlers running around. We lived in the Silverton/Woodburn/Keizer/Salem areas...and EVERY Friday, someone would make the coffee, make a nice munchable for the parents and kids, and offer up their home. Start off clean and after 2+ hours everyone would clean up and whoosh, time to go home and make lunch and get the toddlers to nap. Fulfilling conversation, face to face, seeing that my kids (oops, only one at that point!) WAS normal.

There were 6 of us at first (and 10 kids...and then 5 more babies to follow from these 6 Mamas), and then we had 3-5 more Mama's that would come sometimes, and sometimes not, making over 16 kids at times. Crazy, but fun!

There is something I really miss about having a preschooler, a toddler & a baby all at the same time- the portability of them in the "Mom-realm", being able to go Indoor Park because it was 5 & under, or take them all to a cooperative preschool because two were enrolled and one was a "sibling".

Things are different now, older kids...one almost 8 and another almost 11!!! Sports rule our evenings, not snuggling in the California King sized bed (sideways even to make even more room!) and reading books until bedtime. Maybe this should be about kids growing up...not friends...somehow I manage to digress into another topic all together. Really though, they do go hand in hand...friends, Mom friends, kids, and as they get older and as your activities get more diverse, things get really too busy to just sit w/ coffee and chat with friends most of the time. I sure do miss those days!!!

I Think I've Done It!

I don't know if I have shaken my bout with depression currently or not, but I am feeling pretty good. We went to Bend (OR) this past weekend to attend Morgan's gymnastics State Championships, and we stayed with Mark's family (cousin). It was a quick trip, but it was so nice to be in a different place! The blue sky was just what my clouded up brain needed. Salem is so gray, dark, cold & wet. This was a breath of fresh & cold air, but bright and sunny! We could do stuff outside (and move around a lot to keep warm), and we didn't have to run from the wet, damp or rain. We almost moved to Bend in 1998 when we first moved up to Oregon (and then back to CA in 2001, and then back up here in 2005), but we chose to move to a beautiful little town of Silverton (now we are in Keizer- 40 inches of rain). Everything there was almost perfect, except for the 44 inches of rain a year! (Bend gets about 11 inches!).

Having hours of coffee induced conversation w/ my husband...talking about our constant money "situation", moving, raising kids, where we really want to settle and stay, how to buy a house with one income...or not, kids, family, friends, more on life, health, etc...it got tense, but we never argued. That alone was a huge accomplishment! Tired, cranky kids in the back, a 3 hour drive home, the stress of some of the conversation (moving, money & family), we pulled it off successfully.

I know I analyze my life A LOT, more than weekly or daily...more like bi-hourly! Trying to peg myself into some sort of clinical diagnosis to "solve" my emotional/mental state. I am settling into the whole "A New Earth" idea of my ego just running amok in my brain, and has been for some time now. I am NOT bi-polar, despite my ups & downs for the past, oh, 35 years (um, that is how old I am!), I am NOT run by my depression, well, I am, but I letting it by not exercising or taking care of me w/ good foods and thoughts. I can see this now that the clouds have cleared from my head a bit, and to act quickly will keep the demons far from my being.

So, things are looking up, life was shaken and I actually saw the light (in Bend).

Utopia in My Mind

So here I am, sleepy baby sitting/leaning asleep on my chest, time to blog. I am analyzing my whole reason for blogging. I was inspired by some fellow homeschooling Mama's that I know, it seemed so fun, such a great way to log life, and is this for me, my family, my friends or all of the above?

If this is for family, to see the kids and everything they do (since I have family all over the country, and my own parents & brother's fam live across the country in MD), how much or little to say? Will I squelch who I am and be more cautious, not being as open for fear of someone "commenting" a comment? What about friends? I am not some outrageously flamboyant person in the first place, but I have been called a conservative rebel for tattooing the back of my head (where I could hide my tat OR grow my hair back), and been accused of stirring the pot, rocking the boat and being an instigator- a black sheep in my family. I have had 18 piercings all over my body at one time, dyed my hair fun colors and wore hair wraps (one that turned into a dread lock). I have been in a coven (wasn't all that exciting actually). BUT, I have been pretty darn mellow in the past several years so some would never know any of this but me as a Mama, of the crunchier type.

Ahhh, the balancing act of who I am. Ekart Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway, who my being is, well, that is who I really am. In this game of life though, who I represent, who I present myself to be, who I hang with, how I behave or treat my husband and children, it really does matter, even if it is the ego (which I am only on chapter 3 of 10). So, do I bare my demons, egos, loves, hates, and just be the raw me, or tidy it up a bit...not quite soccer mom, but crunchy stevia sweetened granola Mama.

Then there is the who I am vs who I really want to be. I am a fire spitting f-you if you're in my face and punch the wall punk from rage hell. I am that. I am the pregnant lady who got out of her car to yell at a truck driver for cutting her off in an intersection...just keeping herself from punching the guy in the face. I am the mean Mama who tells her kids to go away, says "what are you thinking?" and "leave me alone". I am the wife that pokes fun at her husband, at his expense and can be awfully mean and cruel and not bat an eye. I have a meanness and nasty side most people would be shocked if let out of it's cage (because IT is a being in my head- thus is possessive in a dual sense). I have been mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme, I have been in more physical fights than I should have been in, even more verbal fights times 100.

BUT WAIT! That isn't who I WANT to be. I don't want to blog about that, doesn't that make it okay to be that way? I cringe at Mother's who tell their kids to go away, "beat it", are mean to their spouses, who embrace the yucky side of themselves, like they let a monster out of themselves and, "well, that's me so deal with it or leave".

I have tried to be a better person my whole life, I am NOT stopping now, I will not be defeated. I want to be genuine in my efforts and in the outcome. Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind, but why the hell not??? (hmmm, maybe I should go back on Zoloft, Mark did say I was nicer, albeit spacey and even more tired!).

I guess when I figure it out, the clean named 15 minute blogger just may change its name.