Obessessed With Baby Brain Part 2

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. I haven't been at the computer as much these days, spring cleaning has grabbed me and won't let go. I just won't stop until the whole house is better than caught up, close to goddessliness! I am an emotional cleaner and well, I have been working through a lot of emotional stuff these days (these days? try everyday for like, ever!). I would say the biggest to date is the fact that- Yes, I still want another baby; Yes, I am done having babies since M is fixed; and Yes, I still feel this surge in my hormones that is saying "Get pregnant! Get pregnant right now!". I have dragged my husband over the sharp jagged rocks of a lava site on this one. Just one mention of the word "baby" in a sentence that doesn't involve our own toddler/baby Logan, and he braces himself for the ranting and raving that pours from me, for hours, days really.

It really, really doesn't help that my sil is due, like, any minute. I am secretly wishing that she wants me at the birth so I may relive my own births, and watch as her baby girl floats up during birth (water birth). But, alas, we aren't that close, and well, I think frankly I scare her with my possessiveness of the word "pregnancy" and "baby", like I actually invented those. Actually, the other night I had a dream that she was holding my baby and hanging out with her Mom & Dad while I had to run errands with my other older kids. I kept calling her and telling her to nurse the baby, she (hmm, she is due with a girl) was hungry and my sil was engorged. I would come around between errands and mention that I was feeling like I was just not bonding with my baby. WELL DUH! It wasn't my baby, it was HERS. This whole dream affected my day, and then some. I have been living vicariously through her pregnancy, as much as I could anyway seeing how we don't hang out or anything. But still, eating up the experience as if to satiate my own mourning wounds. Yes, I am a bit twisted in the head, but not in a creepy way, really (no, really, hehe).

I am a full fledged analytical obsessive, when my mind gets fixated on something, I absolutely cannot let go until a resolution is made. The amazing thing with reading ANE and TPofNow is that for a while, while actively reading them anyway (took a break), I could actually table what I was direly needing to "deal with" and push aside for the bliss of the moment of Now. It was such a peaceful state to be in, knowing I could deal later, and was still okay, life was good, it was GOOD for the first time, no dramas unfolding. Thing is, I can't keep pushing this off, I just have to finalize it. Yes, I have read my own several pages long blog regarding my baby issues, many times actually. I guess what it comes down to is that I have been pregnant/nursing almost all of my adult life and just am not ready to be done (that is, until I read B's blog today, reminding myself why NOT having more is a better idea...environment, world stuff, etc.). Some women are meant to have more, and some less. Seeing me with my babies you would probably say I am such a great & attached Mama and I could have a dozen! Seeing me with my kids, some would say, "jeez, stop now lady...maybe 2 was too many!". Not really, but really when I am in depression/rage mode (hmm, which is quite often).

Speaking of which, I decided if I made a D&D character she would be called Rage, shoot arrows, having piercings and be my alter ego...the one that soaks up everything negative I am feeling. Problem is, I would be playing with my kids, so maybe not such a good idea. Jordan is now sleeping with a D&D book M gave him, under his pillow. When the door opens to his room he doesn't hold up his hand to make hand shadows on the wall anymore, he whips his book out from under his pillow to catch a few last minute glances at the weaponry of the dwarfs (because Gimly is his hero after all).

Anyway, back to my therapy here...or not. I never intended to blog in replacement for journal writing, but I have gone there, gone to the oh-so private places of my mind and behaviours, taking the private out of the journal and sticking it into the public of the blog. Still unsure if that is a good idea, hopefully I won't regret it!

I guess out there in blog world, there is another Mom, so grateful that she was able to birth her own children...whether it be 1, 2, 4 or more, or adopt her own kids even, appreciative of what she has and move on easily (or easier than I do anyway). I appreciate what I have been given, I truly do, my kids are such blessings in my life, they are my life. I love the pregnancy, birthing, nursing experiences I have had, it has truly changed my direction in life in the most amazing ways. (Yes, there's a BUT coming) But, there are some of us who have a hard time letting go, seeing that part of our lives close and moving on to the next phase in life, and talking about it really helps sort things (I am sure obsessing has no benefit though, ahem). I hope I am able to at least touch another Mama in her quest for peace in closure, because for some, we need more I guess.

Jeez, I can't wait to go through menopause, or empty nest syndrome, or, or, or...

No Creative Bones Here

I love to write, love, love, love to write! I also love punctuation and think I am pretty good at it, or maybe that is just what I tell myself. My vocabulary isn't as wide ranging as I would like, but always open to learning new words and more ways to use these new words in my life. My kids have been complimented on their vocabulary, and again, I tell myself it is because of me, but it is also Mark too who is not only a walking calculator, but a dictionary & thesaurus too (and knowledgeable on anything with saurus at the end of it).

For a lady of words, I sure don't do this blog thing very well. I guess it is my LIBRA nature (said it!). I am either writing for hours and quite often, or just plain don't log in. And there is the sheer fact that, yes I love writing and think what I am writing about is interesting, I am not as creative as, say, Cheyenne, or the Eat, Pray, Love writer Elizabeth Gilbert (okay, can't figure out how to link to her site...). Even thought I am technically writing for ME and, well, myself, I know someone out in the wide world (or a few in Salem anyway) may read my blog and think "hmmm, she is so dry", or "how boring...why doesn't she journal in private!". Writing for me knowing someone else is, or may, read it does change its presentation, even if just a bit.

I haven't a creative bone in my body. I have been so obsessivly organized my whole life, from the time I was just a year old and sorting the crayons and fruits by color. I assess that to the fact that as a baby through my preschool years, my life was in utter chaos living with my biological parents, and that is how I personally had control over my life...objects, organizing, cleaning...a zen-like approach to my own messed up little world. Creativity is me organizing the play dough shelf, or washing and refilling the bubble containers...or (gasp!) planning out on a sketch pad how I want my veggie boxes to look with what veggies & herbs growing where. I guess I am so in the box (creativly speaking) that I am like one of those stacking boxes that you keep opening until there is a teeny tiny little box and in that last box, that is me in there...a really scared little person/spirit hiding behind all the control of her life.

I have to mention the Power of Now and A New Earth. I have read half ANE, and have put it down to read PoN for now...not sure why, maybe because one was written before the other and that is the orderly thing to do? Also, I am good at reading half a book and then starting something else!

Anyway, these books (and Eat, Pray, Love) are changing my life as I never thought possible. I am such a work in progress...soooooooo messed up in the head that I am happy to find something that just may clear the fog and rewire my synapses (or is that snyapsees being the plural form?).

Well, no great ending to this blog...but I came, I blogged, I wrote!

I Think I've Done It!

I don't know if I have shaken my bout with depression currently or not, but I am feeling pretty good. We went to Bend (OR) this past weekend to attend Morgan's gymnastics State Championships, and we stayed with Mark's family (cousin). It was a quick trip, but it was so nice to be in a different place! The blue sky was just what my clouded up brain needed. Salem is so gray, dark, cold & wet. This was a breath of fresh & cold air, but bright and sunny! We could do stuff outside (and move around a lot to keep warm), and we didn't have to run from the wet, damp or rain. We almost moved to Bend in 1998 when we first moved up to Oregon (and then back to CA in 2001, and then back up here in 2005), but we chose to move to a beautiful little town of Silverton (now we are in Keizer- 40 inches of rain). Everything there was almost perfect, except for the 44 inches of rain a year! (Bend gets about 11 inches!).

Having hours of coffee induced conversation w/ my husband...talking about our constant money "situation", moving, raising kids, where we really want to settle and stay, how to buy a house with one income...or not, kids, family, friends, more on life, health, etc...it got tense, but we never argued. That alone was a huge accomplishment! Tired, cranky kids in the back, a 3 hour drive home, the stress of some of the conversation (moving, money & family), we pulled it off successfully.

I know I analyze my life A LOT, more than weekly or daily...more like bi-hourly! Trying to peg myself into some sort of clinical diagnosis to "solve" my emotional/mental state. I am settling into the whole "A New Earth" idea of my ego just running amok in my brain, and has been for some time now. I am NOT bi-polar, despite my ups & downs for the past, oh, 35 years (um, that is how old I am!), I am NOT run by my depression, well, I am, but I letting it by not exercising or taking care of me w/ good foods and thoughts. I can see this now that the clouds have cleared from my head a bit, and to act quickly will keep the demons far from my being.

So, things are looking up, life was shaken and I actually saw the light (in Bend).

Laundry Lady

We have been home all week now, except for excursions out to drop Morgan off at gymnastics for a few hours and pick him up, several days a week. Anyway, I had this grandeous idea of how much I would get done. Okay, on a NON COFFEE week? What the heck was I thinking??? I decided I am a Friday-Sunday coffee drinker now.

Laundry is my only goal in life for the next few days, aside from nursing, diapers, feeding the kids, cleaning up, and then any other unforeseens. For a family of 6, I should be doing about 1.5 loads a day, or with cloth diapers, about 2 loads every single day. WHICH means, if I don't get around to putting it away for a few days, I stop washing laundry, which then means if I stop washing the (literally) stinkin' laundry, I end up with a massive pile of diry & damp laundry. Now I have about 6-8 loads of clean laundry in my room and 10 loads of dirty laundry to do! Not that any of this matters, I don't know if I have EVER been caught up on laundry, and if I do get all caught up, will it all fall apart again the next time someone gets sick or I am too tired or I have to actually wash the bed linens (can't it wait until someone actually wets the bed or throws up in it?).

Alas, at least I am happy with our detergent. I am using Bio-Kleen right now, but am unhappy with both of my natural fabric softener sheets (Method...none work & something from Cost Plus...doesn't work either). I want something that smells nice (and isn't really yucky for my family).

For now...off to bed to read my New Earth book. Hopefully I have some clean unders in the morning!

Oh, and if this is boring...you can be happy you aren't me...I am happy after all, to take on that roll as laundry lady for my family. :o)