The Mountain Climber

A woman packs her backpack carefully with all the supplies she needs, for she is going on a hike like never before, and hopefully never again. In her pack she makes sure to have all the supplies she needs to pull her through this very uncharted territory; things like her favorite spiritual books, a few beloved necklaces and rings, some of her favorite dragonfly pins & medallions. These all give her the energy to keep on going when she doesn't want to by just touching them, stopping all thoughts for a mere second or so, remembering the reason why she is on this journey and what she hopes to achieve. The most beloved treasure is on her wrist inscribed in a thick ink, her Serenity Prayer. Life means nothing without that, that prose that reminds her of getting through "another day, another day", taking one day at a time, just one more day she can do.

Once she has her pack ready, she puts it on her back and starts her walk, for the journey has begun that moment, the mountain is in front of her right then and there, it is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

She stops and really takes in this mountain. IS this really necessary? Is it that important to climb it? Questions pop in her head like little mosquitoes trying to distract her from trying, from remembering, overwhelming her at the same time. They are trying to justify why her life is fine, why life will be just fine if she would stay with the plan she had already made 12 1/2 years ago. No need to climb this and ruin things for herself, or for the others who depend on her for normalcy and the perceived "great life" that people seem to think she has. She bats at the mosquitoes and regains some focus as to why she MUST climb this mountain. It not just for her, but for the others who are counting on her in life, and something about being "real, true, authentic and genuine" in life and an example to her children about living one life and being who you really are.

Refocusing on the mountain, she takes in all the details she can see from her starting point. At the mountain's bottom is a bridge that crosses over a cold and unforgiving river that flows fast and angry. She is relieved that she can cross that river with much ease due to the strong wooden bridge, not having to expend much energy on crossing it's raging waters, using up much of her energy on the beginning of her journey. She then sees the bottom of the mountain and it starts with a long slope and slippery from so many unstable little pebbles; then it gets rockier and she knows she must jump from rock to rock because of the wide gaps between them, but also knowing she must only jump to the rocks with firmly planted bases otherwise fall with them into the river. Up past the rocks with gaps are the steep and rocky sides she will have to climb, free climb, to get to the top. Then comes the fog and the unknown terrain past that, taking full force of her faith in herself and faith in using her resources well, and a little prayer wouldn't hurt too!

Upon reaching the top, she knows the journey isn't over, a new one has begun. But she knows that if she can climb this mountain, there is no harder one out there and they can be journeyed with the experience and support from climbing this Mt. Monster.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer and haven't taken any courses. Please forgive the grammatical & other faux pas I may have made. This analogy on my life came to me this morning.

I have made it known to some that I am forging a new path in life, sometimes with much excitement, mostly with much reluctance, trepidation, and sadness at this point. My life hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard. Depression is a dark evil that is a hard battle to win, on top of that adding addicting personality traits (depression, obsession, compulsions, anxiety, rage, mood swings from hell & old substances of the past) you would wonder how I survived this long, why anyone would WANT to be close to me (I have lost a lot of friends) and why I am not choosing medication (psychotic mood swings from meds is way worse in my experience, think "acid trip", NO JOKE).

Wherever this new path leads, I am still me, only better & more open with who I really am under this heterosexual veil. I hope that by lifting the veil...I can be free, happy and the depression monster will fade away. I have heard this to be true for others who "Come Out".

I love my family (Mark & our boys), more than my life. But if I choose to love them and not me, I have nothing to give, and see my life's end all to soon. It is in releasing me of my bonds that I think life will become really beautiful.

As with my favorite insect, the Dragonfly, the pupa stage can be up to 7 years under the water...being the top predator insect in all waters and surviving on whatever it can chomp on. My pupa state is over and I am ready to fly, to become the beautiful Dragonfly I am (let's forget about the part they only live about 6 months out of the water though. ;0)

Grey Clouds Away!

The grey, cold, clouds and rain are really, REALLY getting to me. I have to say, January through mid to late June are the hardest on me. It's like a really, really, really, really long obnoxious train the just never seems to end, going on for like, EVER. I am a very emotional being, and I am a solar powered California girl (although grew up in the Great NW from 4 yrs to 11 yrs). I like my sun. Actually, I really prefer Santa Barbara over Santa Cruz weather- with the average temp there being 65ish and foggy mornings and evenings in the summer, it was just too cold for me there. When I lived in Phoenix, AZ, I thrived on the hot, dry desert weather. I rode my bike 5 miles a day (to and from work) and it was around 112. Call my crazy, but 85 is just p-e-r-f-e-c-t. Actually, if I am near a body of water to swim in, give me 100, that is dreamy cozy comfy happy.

But, back to reality. I am in beautiful, lush green Oregon, (the birth place of water really) rain, clouds and anything soggy. Will I ever get used to the weather? Hmmm, well, I talk to many folks who after 20 years (or life long Oregonians even) never do. Rain culture it is called up in PDX.

Yeah, I am a beach bum. Tucson has a beach, right? What we DO give up to be near extended family. Do they appreciate what we give up to live near them? And really, does it matter if they do or not, because in the end it is about where you want to be and raise your kids, with or without the vermin's, er, uh, family. There are so many things to weigh out when contemplating a move (which I wasn't contemplating a move until I delved a little too deep into the crappy weather feelings I am having lately), kids, jobs, friends, family, homeschooling, parental rights, community, etc.

So, back to what I was complaining about...when IS the sun going to really return?

I Think I've Done It!

I don't know if I have shaken my bout with depression currently or not, but I am feeling pretty good. We went to Bend (OR) this past weekend to attend Morgan's gymnastics State Championships, and we stayed with Mark's family (cousin). It was a quick trip, but it was so nice to be in a different place! The blue sky was just what my clouded up brain needed. Salem is so gray, dark, cold & wet. This was a breath of fresh & cold air, but bright and sunny! We could do stuff outside (and move around a lot to keep warm), and we didn't have to run from the wet, damp or rain. We almost moved to Bend in 1998 when we first moved up to Oregon (and then back to CA in 2001, and then back up here in 2005), but we chose to move to a beautiful little town of Silverton (now we are in Keizer- 40 inches of rain). Everything there was almost perfect, except for the 44 inches of rain a year! (Bend gets about 11 inches!).

Having hours of coffee induced conversation w/ my husband...talking about our constant money "situation", moving, raising kids, where we really want to settle and stay, how to buy a house with one income...or not, kids, family, friends, more on life, health, etc...it got tense, but we never argued. That alone was a huge accomplishment! Tired, cranky kids in the back, a 3 hour drive home, the stress of some of the conversation (moving, money & family), we pulled it off successfully.

I know I analyze my life A LOT, more than weekly or daily...more like bi-hourly! Trying to peg myself into some sort of clinical diagnosis to "solve" my emotional/mental state. I am settling into the whole "A New Earth" idea of my ego just running amok in my brain, and has been for some time now. I am NOT bi-polar, despite my ups & downs for the past, oh, 35 years (um, that is how old I am!), I am NOT run by my depression, well, I am, but I letting it by not exercising or taking care of me w/ good foods and thoughts. I can see this now that the clouds have cleared from my head a bit, and to act quickly will keep the demons far from my being.

So, things are looking up, life was shaken and I actually saw the light (in Bend).

A Passing of a Fellow Homeschooler

I haven't been posting lately, been feeling like I am at the bottom of a pond, looking up into the reflection of myself on the bottom of the surface (only way I know to explain it). Basically, downer than down, lamer than lame.

But yesterday, something urged me to move into action, outside of myself. Apparently, a fellow homeschooling Mama in Dallas, OR passed away from a bad cold going around. It turned into pneumonia, and her kidneys shut down, and she died. DIED. She was 37 and had a 12 yo daughter and a 7 year old son. Mother, wife, 4-H teacher, church lady, homeschooler, friend. It rocked my psyche and pull me to pull up my bootstraps and get something done for her family. I didn't do much, just contact the church, and contact the MOPS Mom meal train coordinator, and now am on the back burner for her family, all I need to do is rally up other fellow HSers at a moments notice and help.

Something like that just shakes your world, makes you look around, even while you are in a funk, and pull you out of it, even if just temporarily. I am not "cured" of my depression at all, but between that raising my awareness of something bigger than me, and reading A New Earth, I am feeling like I am getting a better grip of life's true meaning.

I am not going to get all philosophical here, but I am feeling a bit better knowing that my life ain't so bad, that I could be paralyzingly depressed, and I am not. I am functional, which means I can pull myself out with effort. That is worth living for!

Vent OUT, Not In

I am. I am just. I am just having a very interesting week, or two. I am just having a very emotional life. I am just. I am.

Up, down, up and down, sometimes in a minute or an hour. Clean everything like a mad woman, then let it all fall apart. Inspired to conquer, and then crawling to the computer to get my "fix" away from it all. Happy and lovey dovey, then get the he!! out of my face angry. Delegate things, then martrydom. I just need to vent on this one.

Doom & gloom, grab a broom, push them out the door. Play, play, outside today, and let my feelings all over the floor. Love, love, love my kids, why don't I feel so good? The ups and the downs and the very sad frowns, when am I gonna give? Pushing and pulling and never stop yearning, wanting to be happy for a DAY. Emotions and ego and can I re-live NO. Never ending, can't quit the emotional spending, taxing and tearing and so overbearing. Open my eyes, the cries, the cries. Open my heart, can't I just tear it out? Wishing me thinnner, pretty and a "winner", wanting me happy, not a Mama that's crappy. Letting it flow out and please God don't go out, I need your help and please don't make me yelp. Poem is over, my life needs to...flower.

I have been bottling those feelings for sometime now. I am just cranky, tired, feel fat and frumpy and caught a glimpse of myself at church today, how sad does a woman have to look before she actually gets off her butt and does something. I have never seen an animal feel sorry for itself. Last night before getting into bed, Mark mentioned that my lovely saddlebags were very noticeable. He wasn't being mean, but didn't feel good. So I went to the mirror and what did I see, why eight thunderous reindeer...sorry, that's a different story. So I looked and before my eyes shocked the sh!$ out of me! I have saddlebags meant for a draft horse! ~sigh~ The time is nigh (okay, knigh sounding, not like neigh a horse!).

Baby is ripping plastics from the cupboard, Tremors II is almost over (our favorite B horror flick, okay, next to Bats & Eight-Legged Freaks). Gotta compose myself, or morph, into a better Mama, cuz who needs to hear how unhappy I am, AGAIN. It's really all in my mind, just too bad I got this crazy, messed up one..