Utopia in My Mind

So here I am, sleepy baby sitting/leaning asleep on my chest, time to blog. I am analyzing my whole reason for blogging. I was inspired by some fellow homeschooling Mama's that I know, it seemed so fun, such a great way to log life, and is this for me, my family, my friends or all of the above?

If this is for family, to see the kids and everything they do (since I have family all over the country, and my own parents & brother's fam live across the country in MD), how much or little to say? Will I squelch who I am and be more cautious, not being as open for fear of someone "commenting" a comment? What about friends? I am not some outrageously flamboyant person in the first place, but I have been called a conservative rebel for tattooing the back of my head (where I could hide my tat OR grow my hair back), and been accused of stirring the pot, rocking the boat and being an instigator- a black sheep in my family. I have had 18 piercings all over my body at one time, dyed my hair fun colors and wore hair wraps (one that turned into a dread lock). I have been in a coven (wasn't all that exciting actually). BUT, I have been pretty darn mellow in the past several years so some would never know any of this but me as a Mama, of the crunchier type.

Ahhh, the balancing act of who I am. Ekart Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway, who my being is, well, that is who I really am. In this game of life though, who I represent, who I present myself to be, who I hang with, how I behave or treat my husband and children, it really does matter, even if it is the ego (which I am only on chapter 3 of 10). So, do I bare my demons, egos, loves, hates, and just be the raw me, or tidy it up a bit...not quite soccer mom, but crunchy stevia sweetened granola Mama.

Then there is the who I am vs who I really want to be. I am a fire spitting f-you if you're in my face and punch the wall punk from rage hell. I am that. I am the pregnant lady who got out of her car to yell at a truck driver for cutting her off in an intersection...just keeping herself from punching the guy in the face. I am the mean Mama who tells her kids to go away, says "what are you thinking?" and "leave me alone". I am the wife that pokes fun at her husband, at his expense and can be awfully mean and cruel and not bat an eye. I have a meanness and nasty side most people would be shocked if let out of it's cage (because IT is a being in my head- thus is possessive in a dual sense). I have been mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme, I have been in more physical fights than I should have been in, even more verbal fights times 100.

BUT WAIT! That isn't who I WANT to be. I don't want to blog about that, doesn't that make it okay to be that way? I cringe at Mother's who tell their kids to go away, "beat it", are mean to their spouses, who embrace the yucky side of themselves, like they let a monster out of themselves and, "well, that's me so deal with it or leave".

I have tried to be a better person my whole life, I am NOT stopping now, I will not be defeated. I want to be genuine in my efforts and in the outcome. Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind, but why the hell not??? (hmmm, maybe I should go back on Zoloft, Mark did say I was nicer, albeit spacey and even more tired!).

I guess when I figure it out, the clean named 15 minute blogger just may change its name.

Day 2

Here I am, gettin' into the blogging groove! I have now spent over 3 hours (more like 5) on my "15 minutes" blog over the past 3 days...but that is just to get it started of course, yep. I really have nothing profound to say today except that I am having another bad Mama day, where patience isn't in my Motherly toolbelt, again. Actually, this week has been kinda cranky for me (my husband might pipe in, "THIS week? Don't you mean this LIFE? You are the Queen of Cranky", all in jest of course, hehe.). Could this have anything to do with quitting coffee on Monday? I am taking some Herbalife supplements that have caffine in them, thus NO caffine addict headache (or bad coffee breath). My time is up, I guess my brain is moving rather slow and time isn't on my side today either.

Oh, and one more threat to throw the kids in school when I asked them to turn off the TV, again. That makes at least once a day this week. I guess I just am in a bad way, please forgive me Homeschool Gods, for the blasphemy I speak of. I shall wash my sins away with some penmenship at the kitchen table! (Oh, hey, and we did a science experiment today too, can't forget that!).

My First Post!

This is my very first blog post! Up until recently, I really never could see myself going the blog route. I just couldn't figure out why anyone would want to waste their time reading someone else's personal web log journals, when there is "so much to do and so little time" in a day already!

It all started with getting a myspace account, and found that it was more complicated than I personally could handle. So I ventured to facebook, but still felt the same about it, not what I was looking for (what was I looking for, and did I know I was looking for anything?). I always wanted my own "website" for years now, but lacked the know how (although I am pretty darn savy on navigating the internet for communication, shopping, research, etc).

Recently, as in the past few months, I found myself searching the internet for specific topics regarding unschooling, homeschooling, personal health issues I am going through, different ways to make some extra cash online, money & chores, etc. I found myself really enjoying reading a very personal experience & relatability in the blogs. It wasn't just reading a published article, which are great too, but it was more raw and true to what I was/am going through. I was sold! The deal was sealed when a group of homeschooling Mamas' that I communicated with here locally (except G in Colorado) used their blogs to express themselves & to eachother in a whole new way...different than the usual yahoogroups way that I have been using for almost 10 years now!

So here I am.

It will be rough for a while as I learn this new medium, the netiquette of blogging, how much/little to share, and of course, staying true to my title...the 15 minute blogger. That title is pretty much a new mantra of mine I got from Flylady since I tend to take HOURS to perfect what I am doing (bit obsessive am I). So, now that I have been sitting here for over an hour (getting the um, glitches out, yeah), I gotta bid a farewell- merry meet, merry part and merry meet again!