So here I am, sleepy baby sitting/leaning asleep on my chest, time to blog. I am analyzing my whole reason for blogging. I was inspired by some fellow homeschooling Mama's that I know, it seemed so fun, such a great way to log life, and is this for me, my family, my friends or all of the above?
If this is for family, to see the kids and everything they do (since I have family all over the country, and my own parents & brother's fam live across the country in MD), how much or little to say? Will I squelch who I am and be more cautious, not being as open for fear of someone "commenting" a comment? What about friends? I am not some outrageously flamboyant person in the first place, but I have been called a conservative rebel for tattooing the back of my head (where I could hide my tat OR grow my hair back), and been accused of stirring the pot, rocking the boat and being an instigator- a black sheep in my family. I have had 18 piercings all over my body at one time, dyed my hair fun colors and wore hair wraps (one that turned into a dread lock). I have been in a coven (wasn't all that exciting actually). BUT, I have been pretty darn mellow in the past several years so some would never know any of this but me as a Mama, of the crunchier type.
Ahhh, the balancing act of who I am. Ekart Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway, who my being is, well, that is who I really am. In this game of life though, who I represent, who I present myself to be, who I hang with, how I behave or treat my husband and children, it really does matter, even if it is the ego (which I am only on chapter 3 of 10). So, do I bare my demons, egos, loves, hates, and just be the raw me, or tidy it up a bit...not quite soccer mom, but crunchy stevia sweetened granola Mama.
Then there is the who I am vs who I really want to be. I am a fire spitting f-you if you're in my face and punch the wall punk from rage hell. I am that. I am the pregnant lady who got out of her car to yell at a truck driver for cutting her off in an intersection...just keeping herself from punching the guy in the face. I am the mean Mama who tells her kids to go away, says "what are you thinking?" and "leave me alone". I am the wife that pokes fun at her husband, at his expense and can be awfully mean and cruel and not bat an eye. I have a meanness and nasty side most people would be shocked if let out of it's cage (because IT is a being in my head- thus is possessive in a dual sense). I have been mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme, I have been in more physical fights than I should have been in, even more verbal fights times 100.
BUT WAIT! That isn't who I WANT to be. I don't want to blog about that, doesn't that make it okay to be that way? I cringe at Mother's who tell their kids to go away, "beat it", are mean to their spouses, who embrace the yucky side of themselves, like they let a monster out of themselves and, "well, that's me so deal with it or leave".
I have tried to be a better person my whole life, I am NOT stopping now, I will not be defeated. I want to be genuine in my efforts and in the outcome. Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind, but why the hell not??? (hmmm, maybe I should go back on Zoloft, Mark did say I was nicer, albeit spacey and even more tired!).
I guess when I figure it out, the clean named 15 minute blogger just may change its name.
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2 comments:
Of course, no one *wants* to be the kind of person who belittles her children and is cruel to her husband. Everyone should do her best to 'do no harm.' But I think it is a mistake to maintain a facade of perfection-even crunchy perfection. It's ok to make mistakes and talk about them. It gives others an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and it gives people permission to forgive themselves for their own mistakes. Creating a facade of perfection is especially dangerous. So often we get caught up in a competitive spirit-even the granola crowd. There is always some fuss about who is crunchier than thou, who has the most attached children, who eats the most local, organic food. Stepford wives in Birkenstocks are still stepford wives. I say be who you are. The only people you ought to keep around are the people who will like you anyway.
Re: “Tolle says who I am is just the ego anyway.”
Re-read the first couple chapters of ANE, Tolle isn't saying to disavow the ego at the expense of who you are. He’s very clear in saying that we are NOT our egos. We simply ARE. We are the awareness behind our egos.
Go back to page 42, “The ego isn’t wrong; it’s just unconscious. When you observe the ego in yourself, you are beginning to go beyond it. Don’t take the ego too seriously. […] Above all, know that the ego isn’t personal. It isn’t who you are.”
Trying to change the fundamental elements of your personality may seem futile, but if being “mean and bossy my whole life, controlling, anxious, bitchy, up & down, too happy and too sad, extreme,” isn’t the reality you want, then by all means, make the effort to change. But if you use the ego as an excuse for acting out, you’ll never change; you’ll simply get sucked back into the victim role. A victim of your ego.
But don’t try to be something you’re not either. If you set the bar too high, “Enlightened, bliss, love, happy...a Utopian place in my mind,” you’ll only label yourself a failure every time your human side slips up. We’re not Zen monks, we’re not going to even come close to utopia here in this f-ed up world. But you don’t have to live in one or the other of the extremes. You do your best and forgive your slips and you’ll find that most of the time you will be satisfied with who you are.
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