The Mountain Climber

A woman packs her backpack carefully with all the supplies she needs, for she is going on a hike like never before, and hopefully never again. In her pack she makes sure to have all the supplies she needs to pull her through this very uncharted territory; things like her favorite spiritual books, a few beloved necklaces and rings, some of her favorite dragonfly pins & medallions. These all give her the energy to keep on going when she doesn't want to by just touching them, stopping all thoughts for a mere second or so, remembering the reason why she is on this journey and what she hopes to achieve. The most beloved treasure is on her wrist inscribed in a thick ink, her Serenity Prayer. Life means nothing without that, that prose that reminds her of getting through "another day, another day", taking one day at a time, just one more day she can do.

Once she has her pack ready, she puts it on her back and starts her walk, for the journey has begun that moment, the mountain is in front of her right then and there, it is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

She stops and really takes in this mountain. IS this really necessary? Is it that important to climb it? Questions pop in her head like little mosquitoes trying to distract her from trying, from remembering, overwhelming her at the same time. They are trying to justify why her life is fine, why life will be just fine if she would stay with the plan she had already made 12 1/2 years ago. No need to climb this and ruin things for herself, or for the others who depend on her for normalcy and the perceived "great life" that people seem to think she has. She bats at the mosquitoes and regains some focus as to why she MUST climb this mountain. It not just for her, but for the others who are counting on her in life, and something about being "real, true, authentic and genuine" in life and an example to her children about living one life and being who you really are.

Refocusing on the mountain, she takes in all the details she can see from her starting point. At the mountain's bottom is a bridge that crosses over a cold and unforgiving river that flows fast and angry. She is relieved that she can cross that river with much ease due to the strong wooden bridge, not having to expend much energy on crossing it's raging waters, using up much of her energy on the beginning of her journey. She then sees the bottom of the mountain and it starts with a long slope and slippery from so many unstable little pebbles; then it gets rockier and she knows she must jump from rock to rock because of the wide gaps between them, but also knowing she must only jump to the rocks with firmly planted bases otherwise fall with them into the river. Up past the rocks with gaps are the steep and rocky sides she will have to climb, free climb, to get to the top. Then comes the fog and the unknown terrain past that, taking full force of her faith in herself and faith in using her resources well, and a little prayer wouldn't hurt too!

Upon reaching the top, she knows the journey isn't over, a new one has begun. But she knows that if she can climb this mountain, there is no harder one out there and they can be journeyed with the experience and support from climbing this Mt. Monster.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer and haven't taken any courses. Please forgive the grammatical & other faux pas I may have made. This analogy on my life came to me this morning.

I have made it known to some that I am forging a new path in life, sometimes with much excitement, mostly with much reluctance, trepidation, and sadness at this point. My life hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been so hard. Depression is a dark evil that is a hard battle to win, on top of that adding addicting personality traits (depression, obsession, compulsions, anxiety, rage, mood swings from hell & old substances of the past) you would wonder how I survived this long, why anyone would WANT to be close to me (I have lost a lot of friends) and why I am not choosing medication (psychotic mood swings from meds is way worse in my experience, think "acid trip", NO JOKE).

Wherever this new path leads, I am still me, only better & more open with who I really am under this heterosexual veil. I hope that by lifting the veil...I can be free, happy and the depression monster will fade away. I have heard this to be true for others who "Come Out".

I love my family (Mark & our boys), more than my life. But if I choose to love them and not me, I have nothing to give, and see my life's end all to soon. It is in releasing me of my bonds that I think life will become really beautiful.

As with my favorite insect, the Dragonfly, the pupa stage can be up to 7 years under the water...being the top predator insect in all waters and surviving on whatever it can chomp on. My pupa state is over and I am ready to fly, to become the beautiful Dragonfly I am (let's forget about the part they only live about 6 months out of the water though. ;0)