I am. I am just. I am just having a very interesting week, or two. I am just having a very emotional life. I am just. I am.
Up, down, up and down, sometimes in a minute or an hour. Clean everything like a mad woman, then let it all fall apart. Inspired to conquer, and then crawling to the computer to get my "fix" away from it all. Happy and lovey dovey, then get the he!! out of my face angry. Delegate things, then martrydom. I just need to vent on this one.
Doom & gloom, grab a broom, push them out the door. Play, play, outside today, and let my feelings all over the floor. Love, love, love my kids, why don't I feel so good? The ups and the downs and the very sad frowns, when am I gonna give? Pushing and pulling and never stop yearning, wanting to be happy for a DAY. Emotions and ego and can I re-live NO. Never ending, can't quit the emotional spending, taxing and tearing and so overbearing. Open my eyes, the cries, the cries. Open my heart, can't I just tear it out? Wishing me thinnner, pretty and a "winner", wanting me happy, not a Mama that's crappy. Letting it flow out and please God don't go out, I need your help and please don't make me yelp. Poem is over, my life needs to...flower.
I have been bottling those feelings for sometime now. I am just cranky, tired, feel fat and frumpy and caught a glimpse of myself at church today, how sad does a woman have to look before she actually gets off her butt and does something. I have never seen an animal feel sorry for itself. Last night before getting into bed, Mark mentioned that my lovely saddlebags were very noticeable. He wasn't being mean, but didn't feel good. So I went to the mirror and what did I see, why eight thunderous reindeer...sorry, that's a different story. So I looked and before my eyes shocked the sh!$ out of me! I have saddlebags meant for a draft horse! ~sigh~ The time is nigh (okay, knigh sounding, not like neigh a horse!).
Baby is ripping plastics from the cupboard, Tremors II is almost over (our favorite B horror flick, okay, next to Bats & Eight-Legged Freaks). Gotta compose myself, or morph, into a better Mama, cuz who needs to hear how unhappy I am, AGAIN. It's really all in my mind, just too bad I got this crazy, messed up one..
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It probably doesn't help much, but you are in good company. The people who are simply happy are fewer and fewer. This world makes it hard to just be happy.
You know that I started walking 2x a week at the mall? JUST doing that and not eating a candy bar every day... I've lost 8 lbs. It's just a drop to the 30 I gained in the last year on top of the 20 accumulated during my pregnancy years. But it feels good.
Make ONE change. ONE!!! And let that be your focus for a couple weeks. When you hear that nasty depression imp yelling about all the other stuff you could be doing. Squash him. FLAT. Don't listen to it.
And in a couple weeks, add ONE more thing. Baby steps.
But I'd bet you know all this already. You just need to know, in your heart, that you are worth the time and effort to get yourself back.
I'm on the same path right now... it's a good, but F-ing rough, path to walk. But you can't run, you have to walk.
And, btw, shutting that imp up is hard work. Keep at it!
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