Baby Brain

I am working on some things left unfinished in my mind, rattling around, just wishing I would get things figured out finally! These active thoughts need to be put to rest, resolved preferably, once and for all. What thoughts I am referring to- to baby or not to baby, that is the question. A baby, my last baby, my future last baby, or fostering and adopting a baby, or just fostering, or adopting, or two babies. That is what I am talking about, and so far no complete and final thought on it, still. I usually come to some temporary conclusion that satiates my souls quest to be complete.

I have thought, talked, written and worked on this issue for, well, Logan's WHOLE pregnancy (when I swore I was SO DONE...it didn't help I had gallstones to rival a bag of marbles, the worst sciatica in BOTH hips...think fat pregnant lady with a cane, and the worst depression during/post-pregnancy I personally have ever experienced, EVER).

Then a week after his birth, I panicked! This just can't be my last baby, this just can't be! (my how the mind forgets about pushing for 2 hours, in awful howling pain). Mark had scheduled his vasectomy for Friday, October 13th, what a sense of humor he had, and for the next 7 weeks I stressed out on how we were about to actually be done making babies, so permanent, so invasive...SO violent.

We enjoyed every second of Logan's newborn-ness with so much gusto! Our last baby, but so much more, knowing very well there wouldn't be any accidents, he was the last. I had a great picture of Mark sedated on "the table", minutes before "the cut", however my phone camera died a few weeks later...not only losing that, but all the newborn pictures of Logan (like I needed MORE salt on my wound!). He tested twice, but no, no swimmers in there (geez, hurray). That was it! So, another few weeks of mourning, talking, discussing to no end, and I finally came to peace with it all (or so I thought...), I was done (in a very Zen-Buddhist-like fashion of submitting to the uncontrollable). I was done (OM).

Fast fwd to now, Mark's sister is pregnant, due in 28ish days actually, and I am JUST now going through 15 bins of pregnancy/baby/kid stuff, seeing what I want to give to her. I am going to sell a ton on eBay (hey, if I only got a buck for everything I have, I would make just over $1k...enough to pay for my recent MRI! Um, or put in our Disneyland fund?). I picked up a baby gown...light blue with little brown bears, elastic on the bottom, a Carter's...and I cuddled it. I put it down and just headed for the most remote place in the house, and just sat. Logan of course toddled in throwing dollar tree golf balls (which are like mini-wiffle balls) and making cute little toddler sounds, and I just hugged him, loved him and kissed him. I love him, I love my kids, and I love babies.

At that moment, I realized I NEEDED to finish this thought process that literally hijacks my brain every so often, stealing my best from my family due to over-obsession and over-analyzing (it takes HOURS, upon hours for me to go through this every time). I NEED to come to resolution, need to finalize this and move on with life. It had to be somewhere I could come back to in moments of "weakness" (like right after my Sils baby girl is born, when I want to just gobble her baby up and kiss her belly, and smell the wonderful baby smell. I love the smell of their heads, Mama milk on their breath, and yes, even the sweet & sour smell of breastmilk poop! (you know it doesn't stink, at least not next to their formula counterparts!).

So, back to ME and my issue at hand...

I feel like there are some paths I really need to re-analyze here...

1) Lose weight, get healthy and try to have one more baby (through medical miracles).

2) Pick out a few items/clothes for my Sil, save the rest of the baby stuff and put them back into their dozens of bins and back into the shed- to deal with later (maybe less inclined to have a baby then?).

3) Look into Fostering in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my foster kids).

4) Look into adopting in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my adoptive baby...boy? girl?).

5) Move on with life- getting myself balanced mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually/ & physically; getting my family's life more organized/routine/structured making homeschooling and the rest of life flow smoother; figuring out how to make some money while staying home with the kids without missing out or giving up being with them while they are small/young.

Before I can make a decision though, I have to analyze why I want another baby? Babies are so delicious and enriching to a family, and they also bring total chaos and upheaval to the family unit. Nursing, diaper changes, being worn from birth, tired, and then having 4 other kids to take care of can really tax a person. My depression gets so incredibly bad until they are about 18 months, I am really just getting out of the fog of the last baby, and my health is really JUST recovering.

Some women feel complete (like I did while pregnant with #4...complete) and still feel the "I would love to have another baby" forever. Though some women feel gleeful that they are done and have no baby fever ever again. I had one time in my life where I was around a baby at a Mom's night out with some other cooperative preschool Mom's, and didn't have a twinge of baby fever! This Mom's baby was tired, didn't want to be there, she was a bit overwhelmed, and I was a Mom of 3 who was happy to not have anyone with me at that moment, even a baby! How weird that was, although kinda liberating. We were living in a 2 bedroom townhouse in Ca, and cramped as heck, and I think our home environment contributed to the feeling of being baby fever free! Worms stop populating when they are overcrowded, I think that is what happened to me. The moment we moved into a large double wide up here in Oregon, I got pregnant almost immediately! (we purposely tried of course, but still, we actually wanted another baby again!).

There are other factors, I have 4 kids- how would they feel, deal with my time being directed at another little one, how would I spend time with each of them individually, quality time? And my hubby, how does he feel? He feels DONE, like "hallelujah" done. He loves his boys, but he feels "old" and tired and well, ready to move on to just plain ole' bein' a dad, ready to regain some of the "baby years" energy and redirect it to his own health. He loves our toddler too, gets mushy over babies in stores, and yet, feels so complete, so happy to have his reproductive army quelled.

So, all this over my desires to have just one more, when we are done, fini. Here are my solutions (Libra style, thank you very much!)...

1) Lose weight, get healthy and try to have one more baby (through medical miracles). It will take me a year to lose weight & get my health up to par to even get pregnant. It will also take a starting cost of $3,600 to try to get hubby's V-sect reversed, at which there is no guarantee. Then we will need another $1,500 for a homebirth. That would put me at 36.5 for maybe getting pregnant, almost 38 for having a last baby, my youngest being almost 4 and my oldest would be 13. I would be about 60 when the last one may move out. Health/finances aren't there at this point, and hubby wouldn't go for it. IF he didn't already get fixed, he still may not go for it. He wants time for US at some point, not that I don't. Man, life is too short!

2) Pick out a few items/clothes for my Sil, save the rest of the baby stuff and put them back into their dozens of bins and back into the shed- to deal with later (maybe less inclined to have a baby then?). Okay, so no baby in my future, I can pick out a bunch of 0-12 month clothes and be okay with it now. Amazing!

3) Look into Fostering in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my foster kids).
4) Look into adopting in the next year (using my baby/toddler stuff for my adoptive baby...boy? girl?).
I will answer these together. I would like to spend the next year of my life "getting it together" and back on track. At that point, I would like to start the process of fostering and/or adopting a toddler or preschooler. Boy/Girl? Not sure, but really won't focus on that until closer to the time. I just don't know if I want to remain a boy only household or go for the girl!

5) Move on with life- getting myself balanced mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually/ & physically; getting my family's life more organized/routine/structured making homeschooling and the rest of our life flow smoother; figuring out how to make some money while staying home with the kids without missing out or giving up being with them while they are small/young. I will work on this for the next year of my life and then reassess foster/adoption.

So- to sum it all up, my questions/feelings were answered & validated. I have been writing, thinking and even had a couple of discussions with my hubby. Ironically, Malcolm in the Middle came on during one of our discussions...and it was the "scare" pregnancy episode, they thought Lois was pregnant w/ an unexpected #5! (nope, not this time!), what perfect timing for more analyzing.

I guess I will always long for a belly to rub, a new baby to nurse, a bundle to sling/Bjorn, a roller, a crawler, a toddler, the smells and gurgles. I guess that is what Grandparenting is for...the joys of babyhood!

Hubby & I are a partnership and half of us are very satisfied, and the other half, well, she just may never be satisfied even after "one more". The next year will be my time to just grow better and be (and enjoy the heck out of my toddler & kids!). If I am meant to have "just one more" in the foster/adopt sense, that process will happen in time.